Once in a Lifetime Offer! Act Now!

Free to a good home, one case of viral pneumonia. "But why?" you may ask, "Why would you want to part with such a well-known and impressive malady?" I'll tell you, in the last month we've had one case of strep and two cases of stomach flu, and I feel like we've been overly blessed in the childhood illness department. I'm just trying to share the wealth and to give you the chance to experience the joy that only a sick child can provide. Just think about all the fun you would be missing if you pass on this amazing opportunity: A hacking cough that frays your nerves, setting your alarm for 2:30 am to administer another dose of Motrin, and listening to hours on end of Bubble Guppies (they are mermaids of both sexes who have an airport for some fucking reason). Have you even tried to give cherry flavored Children's Tylenol to a kid with a raging fever who hates cherry flavoring? You will never forgive yourself if you passed up such a priceless moment.

If you act now,  I will throw in 27 vials of Albuterol at no extra charge. That's right. You will get a case of viral pneumonia and Albuterol all for free! As a bonus, I will throw in this certified, pre-owned nebulizer and chicken-dinosaur mask.

Don't tell me that your little one wouldn't look adorable wearing a chicken-dinosaur mask that forces vaporized drugs into his lungs. What child doesn't look adorable with this on his face:

Ugga-Mugga little chicken-asaurus. 

Once your child inhales those meds, not only will he be breathing clearly, but he will have more energy than if he drank a six-pack of Red Bull and did a couple lines of cocaine. It's that good. One second your kid will be like this:

and the next minute she'll be like this:

and like this:

and you'll be gently reminding her that she has pneumonia and the doctor told her to rest for fuck's sake. And she'll be explaining to you that she feels great, great, great with her wild pinwheel eyes darting, and speaking at a speed rivaled only by the guy who reads the legal disclaimers at the end of radio commercials.

DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY! Albuterol has this effect on all God's creatures. Here is Hello Kitty getting a breathing treatment:

 and here's Hello Kitty/Hell Kitty after only one breathing treatment:

and here she is after three:

Act now, and I will throw in that Hello Kitty doll which was originally purchased to keep someone from screaming at Costco. Bribery? Yes. Bad parenting? Probably. Worth every penny at the time? You betcha.

All of this for FREE! Act now! This offer for a one-of-a-kind case of viral pneumonia AND the Albuterol AND the Nebulizer AND the Hello Kitty doll will not last long.