Friday, December 14, 2012


Earlier this week, a friend was commenting on the run of bad luck (in the form of childhood illnesses) that we've been having. "You must feel like you're cursed!" she joked. I laughed and thought about how this isn't my first trip to the germ rodeo (yee haw, ride 'em nasopharyngitis). We've gone through so many winters just like this one, but worse, when the kids missed months of school. At least the Girl is old enough now that she can fairly reliably tell us what is bothering her and she doesn't puke when she runs a fever like she did when she was younger. No, frankly, while the past couple of weeks have sucked, I've seen worse.

But, I am nothing if not entirely too suggestible, so I started thinking....what if we are cursed? I don't have much personal knowledge of curses or the occult. In fact, pretty much everything I know about witchcraft comes from watching "Bewitched."

However, according to Dad, my grandmother retained a neighborhood witch to cure Dad of his stammer. The witch chanted some spell over Dad's crib and his speech was miraculously fixed. If only Colin Firth had the witch from Filthadelphia, he could have skipped all that work with Geoffrey Rush in "The King's Speech," but then, I guess that would have been a much different movie. Later, the same witch supposedly worked her magic to get Dad's aunt to stop smoking.  

But, how can you tell when you're cursed? The answer was only a Google search away. On Doktor Snake's website (voodoo spells and magick for all your needs) I learned that there are ten signs to look for to determine whether you are cursed. (Don't you love how there are exactly ten signs? It's such a nice, round number.) Okay, let's see if I might be cursed:

1. Nightmares - Apparently, if you have recurring dreams that you are killed or injured, or being bitten by snakes or stung by scorpions, this is a "sure fire" sign that you are cursed. I haven't been sleeping that well, but I don't recall any snakes or scorpions showing up in my dreams lately. Verdict: Not Cursed
2. Loss of Energy - If you were once full of "zest for life," but are now prone to "gloomy thoughts" the cause might be a hex. Yes, after being home with sick children for twelve days, I will admit to some gloomy thoughts. Verdict: Cursed
3. Financial Loss - If you've lost money, it might be a jinx. Crap! The Boy and his damn iTune charges! Verdict: Cursed
4. Relationship Difficulties - If things were going great in your relationship, but then turn sour without reason, it could be a curse. No, things haven't gone sour between me and the K. But, if we have any problems it's not without reason. It's because I'm going crazy from being home with sick people. Verdict: Not Cursed
5. Health Problems - If you have "inexplicable health issues, strange allergies...panic attacks, fear of leaving your home...or other inexplicable fears" it might be "baleful conjure." We do have health problems, but they're not inexplicable and I certainly have no fear of leaving the home. In fact, I've gotten to the point where I will volunteer to do the most unpleasant errands, just to leave the house. Anyone need some port-a-potties emptied? I'm your gal. Verdict: Not Cursed
6. Dark Omens - If your favorite jewelry is broken, if you see three black crows in a graveyard, "if you notice three jet black dogs in the street looking ominously at is not a good sign." No kidding? If I ever see three black dogs looking ominously at me, I will not be googling "Am I cursed." It will be pretty darn evident. Verdict: Not Cursed

Are they looking ominously? Well, maybe that one on the left who appears like he only has one eye. Actually, they're pretty cute.

7. Unexplained Pains - If you get nagging pains anywhere in your body, someone might be working evil conjure against you. Okay, so my knee has been popping in and out of joint for the last week. I've got to say Verdict: Cursed
8. Trouble Sleeping - If you suddenly wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, it might be a sign that the "dark root doctor is targeting you with bad goopher." I have no clue what "bad goopher" is, but I am having trouble sleeping and I'm waking up. Verdict: Cursed
9. Legal Problems - If you have been hit by a lawsuit or criminal charges, it might be a curse. No lawsuits, but I'm wondering about how Doktor Snake is going to feel about me reproducing all of his content on my blog. Let's hope he thinks it's a compliment and not copyright infringement. Or worse. Verdict: Not Cursed (for now)
10. Bad Luck - If you've had a long run of bad things happening to you, it's probably a jinx. Kids sick off and on for the last month? I'd say that's bad luck. Verdict: Cursed

So, what to do? I came out with five factors pointing towards being cursed and five against being cursed. Just to be safe, I thought I'd find out how to get rid of my possible curse. I found another website to help me with getting rid of the curse in an article aptly entitled, "How to Break a Curse for the Beginner." Sounds like the author had me in mind. In the subsection entitled "What to Do," the first line is great:
If you are cursed, then it is most likely low-end magick practiced by an amateur. Professionals are generally occupied with more important things.
Yes, don't get all high and mighty about being cursed. The professional cursers are busy cursing important people like poor Kate Middleton, some lowly dabbler is responsible for your curse. What a revelation that cursing is done in a caste system where only those of the same importance level can curse each other.

To break a curse, you need the following items: the target (me, I think), a tub of water large enough to submerge the target, a large quantity of sea salt.

The best times to curse-break are: new moon (anyone else thinking Duran Duran), a Thursday, noon, midnight, dawn, dusk.

The rest of the steps are as follows, directly from the website, italics are my comments:

  1. Fill the tub with water. Temperature should be comfortable for a long soak if the target is a living thing. (Is this a joke? I might love curse breaking.)
  2. Open and hold up the container of sea salt.
  3. Clear your mind and say the following words while concentrating on what they mean to you. Say them slowly, confidently, and meditatively: "In the names of my ancestors, my gods, and myself, I call upon thee, oh creatures of Earth and Water. Come forth, cleanse "name of target" of all evil and alien magicks, and restore them (me, it) to balance and health. By our wills combined, so mote it be." (I'm worried about clearing my mind and remembering the words. Forget about saying them confidently.)
  4. Pour the salt into the water. Use a lot. (Do you think the salt industry is behind this?)
  5. Keeping your mind in that calm and meditative state, submerge or wash the target slowly. If you are the target, get in the tub and simply lay back and soak. Relax. Let everything slip away. (I like!)
  6. Do this for at least ten minutes. When you are done, drain the water away down the drain and rinse it off the target. It is absolutely necessary that all of the saltwater is washed off of the target! (I guess the salt is drawing out the evil?)
  7. When you are done, say the following in the same way you did step 3: "I thank thee, oh creatures of Earth and Water, in the name of myself, my gods, and my ancestors. Be released to your homes, doing no harm on your way, and return to me with glad hearts when next you are summoned. By our wills combined, so mote it be."
I'm pretty sure that a woman came up with these directions of how to break a curse. A man's curse breaking would involve buying a really large television and eating chicken wings.

This curse breaking is nice and relaxing, like meditation or yoga. Had I only known, I would have been breaking curses on a daily basis. Telling the children that Mommy has to go break a curse has a more purposeful ring to it than Mommy needs to hide in the bathroom for a little while. And, think about all the time I spent wasted taking the Girl to the doctor (as opposed to the doktor) and giving her antibiotics when I all I needed to do to fix everything is to go and soak in the tub. Ahh, this water is so relaxing. So mote it be.

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