10. Mental Dental - In which I took all three children to the dentist and the Boy gets confused between an iguana and a Mexican border town.
Speaking of the dentist, the Girl just wrote this poem:
She has rotten teeth, I agree,
I hope she brushes them for company.
Those green spots
are as green as the grass stains on my pants.
Those black spots look like smushed ants.
Look at that plaque attack!
The back of her teeth are oh so gray,
most of her money must go to the dentist to pay.
The yellow dots on her teeth are so bold,
I might have mistaken them for mold!
The cavities are so thick,
they look like a mile-long stick.
Her teeth are dirty, I agree,
I hope she brushes them for company!
9. Lice, Lice Baby - In which I recount the horrors of lice detection on a family vacation. Also, I make my first/only product plugs: Elimilice to get rid of the lice and Fairy Tales hair products to keep them from coming back. Full disclosure, the nice people at Fairy Tales hair sent me some shampoo and conditioner after I mentioned the products. It made me indescribably happy. Whenever anyone asks me about the benefits of blogging I mention that I received free lice-repelling products and they slowly move away from me.
8. Children's Healthcare of Atlanta - In which I jerk some tears over the time the wonderful doctors and nurses at CHOA took care of the 4-month old Boy when he was very sick with RSV. My friend Katie and I helped out with the winter fundraiser when she decorated mailboxes and I tried not to mess them up. The spring fundraiser (in case you are interested) is a Cajun dance party called a Fais Do-Do on February 2, 2013.
7. News and Updates - In which the Happy Enchiladas have their first gig and I linked to my ode to the holiday catalog in USA Today.
6. Fun with Autocomplete - This is my all-time favorite, which is a little sad because it was my seventh post. Nothing like peaking early! Little-known fact: I cut this post to 750 words and submitted it to USA Today and it was accepted, but then I revealed/let it slip that it had been posted on my blog in a longer form and they wouldn't publish it. Womp, womp, womp. Also, shortly thereafter, this came out in the New York Times and I wrote an email to the public editor because it was weirdly close to my post. I received this response:
I am very pleased that I got a response at all, so I probably shouldn't be too critical of the typo, but when you have the word "editor" in your job title you are naturally held to a higher standard.
Also, I have an interesting(?) autocomplete story. Blue Mopheads Maureen and I went to a blogging conference that was helpful in confirming several things to me about bloggers: most are crazy in a harmless and entertaining way, most are middle-aged women, and most are overly eager to please. The hosts of the conference were a locally famous female humor writer and a gay man who I'd never heard of probably because his target audience (according to the female humor writer) is lonely gay men who come home from bars alone. Anyway, they were using the man's laptop to project our blogs up on a screen and Google was autocompleting with some terms with which I am not familiar, but gave great insight into what the man was searching on his computer. I'm still puzzling over "anal pillow relax." If you know what it means, please do not tell me.
5. Work it Out - In which I review my exercise DVDs. I'm hoping that someone (Amy Dixon, Jackie Warner, or Jillian Michaels) will send me some new DVDs so I can do some more reviews, but that hasn't happened. Perhaps calling them out for improperly counting (Jackie), becoming caricatures of themselves (Jillian), or weird editing of the videos (Amy) was the wrong strategy if you want to get free things. I may be the worst panderer ever. On the plus side, you must see that if I ever rave about something here it must really be good because I make fun of everything.
4. Food in Mouth Disease - In which I discuss the strange things that doctors say to patients and reveal that one, I have a tendency to insult people without intending to do so, and two, I have a uterus that plays hide-and-go-seek in my abdomen. I have to confess that my concern was that this would be my post that would go viral (ha!) and I would be known as the lady blogger with the peek-a-boo uterus. But look, in a day in age when Kim Kardashian is famous for having a big ass and a sex tape being famous for your uterus is probably kind of quaint and demure. Also, congrats to Kim and Kanye on their baby news.
3. Women Drivers and the Men Who Save Them - In which I explain this mishap:
and discuss that men actually enjoy getting cars out of these predicaments. I recommend that if you want to get a group of men working together you should drive your car into someone's koi pond and look helpless. The lawyer in me hastens to add that this is a joke and you should not drive your car into a koi pond and that, if you do, please do not sue me.
2. Welcome! - In which I introduce myself and make fun of Utah for the first time. This, like Little Mommy Doctor Mommy, Nutella, and Audrey the Moose will become inside jokes that will deter people from reading the blog because they don't understand what I'm talking about. In case you are wondering about my 2013 plans, they do include adding a section that will explain commonly referred-to things in the blog. LMDM will be described as my arch nemesis and will be pictured with her glowing forehead.
1. 20 Things I Learned This Week - Really, that's the top one. This surprises me because it's kind of mommy blogger-ish which means it is mainly for female-type readers with kids. This means that my small cadre of male-type readers (i.e. Sebastian, Matt, Greg (unless I say uterus, in which case Greg has to wash his eyes and get electroshock treatments to recover), my BIL, and the K) are probably not going to read it. Well, the K might read it because I give him a pop quiz every night on the subject matter of each post and if he doesn't pass I make him sleep on the couch.
So, those are the top 10 OWTL posts as chosen by you, the readers. I'm a little sad that my recent post on Tina Fey's book and my scar didn't make the list. I'll have you know that Dad called me after he read it and thought it was hysterically funny. This is in keeping with Dad thinking that being chained to his front porch as a child is hysterically funny. This is also further evidence that there is a fine line between childhood trauma and fodder for a humor blog. That fine line is attitude and hindsight.
Happy New Year!