Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Least Sexy Inspirations for Sexy Halloween Costumes

Halloween is just around the corner and I am SOOO excited to see all the people dressed like Ebola doctors in their Tyvex suits:

Of course there will be the inevitable sexy Ebola doctor outfits:

The post-exposure spray down is what makes it sexy. It's just like the water scene in Flashdance:


I'm fairly sure that there won't be any sexy Ebola costumes, but that doesn't mean that there aren't some excellent examples of sexy costumes that are inspired by completely unsexy sources. Your honor, I submit plaintiff's exhibit A, marked for identification, Mario Brothers:

Available here
Who looks at the real Mario Bros (pictured below) and thinks, pinch in those overalls at the waist, add some fingerless gloves, some brightly colored heels and a mustache on a stick and that is one sex-ay lady's costume?

Similarly, but perhaps even more egregious is this look:

Available here

This is a "sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Raphael costume." This is not to be confused with the simply "sassy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Raphael costume:"

The main distinction I see is that sexy Raphael carries her shell as a purse, while sassy Raphael wears her shell on her back. Thus, I think we can conclude that turtles with shells on their backs are less sexy than turtles without shells. Since turtles need their shells to survive, followed to the logical conclusion, dead turtles are sexier than living turtles. Also, did you know that this is a turtle-related thing that people do to their defenseless babies?

I can assure you that none of my kids would have allowed me to dress them up like a reptile. In fact, the Boy drew the line at amphibian.

I don't think I like this...

And, the famous toddler back arch. Perfect for making it impossible
to buckle carseats and pose for Halloween pictures.
Other unsexy things that costume makers have sexed up for Halloween include children's stuffed animals:

Available here
The inspiration. Via
The Care Bears were all about happiness and innocence, why on earth did anyone think it makes sense to morph them into a skimpy polyester mess? Did someone get confused between teddy bears and teddies (1970's speak for some type of lingerie)? There is just nothing sexy about stuffed bears who work together to bring good cheer and love to the cold-hearted.

Speaking of cold-hearted, this costume is just the biggest head-scratcher to me:

Yes, that is a sexy Olaf costume. I have to say that Olaf has got to be the least-sexy character in Frozen. Sven, the reindeer is sexier than Olaf. Oaken of Wandering Oaken's Trading Post and Sauna (and the originator of surge-pricing) is sexier than Olaf. The trolls are sexier than Olaf. Yet, the sexy Olaf costume is sold out on

Unsatisfied with sexing up all your childhood toys, now the costume companies are trying to make history a little sexier, too. I give you "sexy Joan of Arc:"

Available here
A little history, Joan of Arc was a French girl who received visions of saints who told her to fight against the English to return the French king to power. She dressed like a soldier while in battle and after she was captured and was put in prison she continued to dress in men's clothing to protect herself from being raped by her captors. Eventually, she was tried and found guilty of heresy and executed by burning. Somehow, with that historical basis we end up with this Joan of Arc costume which looks like something a waitress at a Medieval-themed restaurant run by Hooters would wear. There is nothing sexier than religious martyrdom.

I am relieved that I wasn't able to find any sexy Susan B. Anthony costumes or Sandra Day O'Connor costumes, but that doesn't mean they're not coming. Somewhere a costume designer is looking at a stapler, a dog biscuit, and a picture of Alexander Hamilton and thinking of ways to turn them into sexy costumes for next Halloween.

1 comment:

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