The opposing goalkeeper is warming up before the game. +1
The opposing goalkeeper is warming up before the game and has tattoos and visible facial hair (male or female). +2
The opposing goalkeeper is warming up before the game and looks like this:
- Parents of the opposing team are speaking Spanish, Italian, German, or British Isles English. +1
- The coach of the opposing team is yelling at the players in a language other than English. +2
- The coach of the opposing team is yelling at the players in a language other than English and the players appear to understand. +3
- The coach is clearly American, but using Britishisms like "brilliant" and "beauty."
- Check to see if coach is Gwyneth Paltrow. If not Gwyneth: +1
- If Gwyneth: -7.5
|Gwyneth is in great shape, yes, but it's mostly from eating sand and air|
and doing whatever it is she is doing with those industrial rubber bands.
3. Player's Names
- Girls Team - there is a player named Mia. +2
- Girls Team - there is a player named Brandy. +1
- Girls Team - there are players named Mia and Brandy. +4
- Boys Team - there is a player named Beckham. +1
- Boys Team - more than one player has Italian or Spanish-sounding names (i.e., Marcelo, Paolo, Claudio, Cristiano, etc.) +5
- Boys or Girls Team - You overhear that a family has moved to the States from Rosario, Argentina in order to name their child Lionel Messi +10
- A player on the opposing team is playing with a knee brace. +1
- A player on the opposing team is playing with an arm, hand, or finger in a cast or splint. +2
- A player is visibly injured and unable to play, but is wearing a uniform and is sitting on the team bench. +3
- A player is in a full-body cast and is wheeled onto the sidelines in a hospital bed. A soccer jersey has been painted onto the cast. +12
5. Team Spirit
- At least one fan on the opposing side is wearing spirit wear for the opposing team. +2
- A fan on the opposing side has made homemade signs supporting the team. +3
- A fan on the opposing side have painted their chests. +5
- A fan on the opposing side has a jersey number, team name, or image of a player's face shaved into their hair or tattooed on their body. +12
|This walks that fine line between being flattering to Tim Howard |
and being totally creepy. Via
- Parents on the opposing side yell "nice ball," "man on," and/or "great first touch" without acknowledging any double entendres. +1
- You overhear a parent on the opposing side authoritatively explaining the offsides rule. +5
- Parent explaining the offsides rule prefaces explanation by saying, "when I played for Real Madrid..." +20
- Opposing team refers to the goalie as "keeper." +1
- Opposing team refers to the field as "the pitch." +2
- Opposing team refers to the uniform as "the kit." +4
- Opposing team refers to the linesman as "hijo de puta." +10
- The opposing team has more than one team cheer. +1
- The parents know the cheer and join in. +2
- The cheer is in a foreign language. +3
- The cheer is in a foreign language and is accompanied by a choreographed dance. +5
- The cheer triggers a flashmob set to "Ole Ola." +8
Add up your score:
-7.5-5 points - Your child's team will win the game handily, in no small part because the opposing team will score at least twice on its own goal. Be sure to get Goopy's food cleanse tips before she leaves the game.
6-15 points - Your team has a fighting chance. As an incentive, offer to get a Jurgen Klinsmann tattoo if they win.
16-25 - Offsides! Hang up your cleats and Google pictures of Cristiano Ronaldo to make yourself feel better.
26-35 - Red card! Learn Italian, name your next pet Mia Hamm (especially if it's a pig), and work on saying "head it" without laughing.
36 + - Outlook is bleak. Time to take up a real American sport like lacrosse.