|This was the least-dignified Princeton picture I could find.|
For the K's 40th birthday I decided to throw him a party. Not just any regular old party, but a redneck/white trash/trailer park/kountry/Appalachian-American/Honey Boo Boo party. Oh, yes it is offensive, but since my grandparents are from the Ozarks I think I can throw some stones. That's the nice thing about being the mutt that I am. If people have free reign to make fun of their own heritage I can make fun of Jews, hillbillies, and the French all I want. Throw the kids in there and I can make fun of Arabs and Germans. Is there really anyone else to make fun of that won't get you arrested?
I made the invitations on Paperless Post, which is like Evite, only with better graphics (in my opinion). Here's the invitation that I made:
I got the picture from Google Images by searching for "Red Solo Cup," because there's this Toby Keith song that's an homage to that noble vessel. Sample lyrics:
A red Solo cup is cheap and disposable,Toby Keith is the Shakespeare of our times. Randy Shakespeare, that is.
And in 14 years they are decomposable,
And unlike my home, they are not foreclosable,
Freddie-Mac can kiss my ass. Woo!
Over the next few weeks I hit many of the area's best dollar stores and picked out the tackiest items to decorate our house. I also ordered a half-dozen Nascar posters because that seemed to fit with the theme. I learned some things on my shopping excursions. For instance, the dollar store at Suburban Plaza makes Big Lots look like Neiman Marcus. I was briefly tempted to buy an $8 toilet seat and then thought, "why?" The shopping carts are the only things in the store with anti-theft sensors, presumably because they're the only things worth stealing. Family Dollar, over in Loehmann's Plaza was a far nicer dollar store and everything there actually cost $1.
To decorate the outside of the house, I had the children get a bunch of old riding toys, bikes, and other crap and throw it all over the front lawn. We always have two huge buckets of baseballs outside our front door (which is pretty redneck all on its own) but I put them front and center on the lawn and tipped one of them over. The whole effect was very DFCS-check-on-the-welfare-of-the-children-in-that-house.
So, here are some pictures of the inside of the house:
|The outhouse. If you squint you can see the half-moon above the poster.|
|This is a big poster of Tony Stewart. Probably.|
|The packaging said, "goes with any decor." I must agree!|
You can kind of see in the Tony Stewart picture that I made use of more red cups in my decorating. Here's a picture:
|There's something a little Alexander Calder about this decoration.|
|I'm sure someone craftier than I can come up with a more attractive way to stick these to the wall.|
|Realism in camo is for the birds, not the fish.|
|Y'all, that's more white bread than at the Republican Convention.|
|I thought the cake needed a hostess (wink).|
But the cake...so, all I did was to make two boxes of cake mix and divide the batter among a big tube pan, an 8" round cake pan and a little bundt cake pan. Then I stacked the cakes so that the tube pan was on the bottom, the round cake went next, and the little bundt on the top. I sliced the tops off the tube cake and the round cake so that they would be flat and then frosted between the layers so they would stick together better. Then, I frosted the whole cake and speared it with Little Debbie snack cakes and Moon Pies. I stuck the snack cakes into the main cake with wooden toothpicks, which seemed to work well.
|Little Debbie, Little Debbie (see below)|
Okay, back to the party. I decided that I would look up all the party guests' Honey Boo Boo names on this handy-dandy Honey Boo Boo nickname translator:
|George Washington's Honey Boo Boo nickname is Goober Woo Woo|
|I feel certain that Martha called him Goober.|
And, of course, what's a party without a party outfit. Here I am with the Girl just prior to the kids getting packed off to Mom's house:
|My first rodeo was, in fact, on Valentine's Day 2001.|
|You can barely see the K's legs because they blend in with the tablecloth.|
The party guests really brought the goods, though:
|Steph's shirt says, "Watch out this girl is cray!" Gwinn's is airbrushed love leopards.|
|Those aren't jeans on Scott, they're pajama jeans and Molly's wearing pantyhose and white sandals.|
|We even had security. Not really.|
|That's Lauren in the curlers. She's married to the security detail, above.|
|You can't tell from this picture, but I think Paul rubbed motor oil all over his shirt.|
Rodney's hat says "Beaver Patrol."
|Emily was one of three party guests sporting fake baby bumps. And drinking. And pretending to smoke.|
|Emily, fake baby bump photo-bombing Mark and Robin. |
I think Mark is heading to a Guns n Roses tribute band concert later.
|The K and his band mates played.|
The bowls on the table contained pork rinds, Pringles, and cheese puffs.
|Alcohol seemed to be the gift of choice for the K.|
Here are Ed and Matt checking out a bottle of real moonshine.