Funny Friday

I can't believe it's Friday already. I know it's a cliché, but this week has flown by for me. I spent the better part of Monday half-blind after getting my eyes dilated at the opthamologist (okay then, spellcheck how do you spell opthamologist because these guys agree with me.) Try not to get too bored with my eye dilation story, but my eyes dilate really easily, so last year when I went to the eye doctor my eyes were supposed to stay dilated for 3 hours. Well, 24 hours later I was still all wonky-eyed and looked like I was on some kind of amphetamine bender. This time I begged the nurse to only put one drop in each eye. I got 1/2 drop in my right eye and 1 drop in my left and my left eye was still dilated for eight hours. So, just in case you saw me that day, that is why I was wearing sunglasses at Publix. I'm not trying to be like Jack Nicholson:

Sunglasses at night and inside.

Nabors

Speaking of Hollywood, I want to share my favorite headline of the week from People Magazine online, "Jim Nabors on Life as a Newlywed and Macadamia Nut Farmer." The story is actually rather sweet. Jim Nabors from "The Andy Griffith Show" and every variety show from the 1970s, married his long-time partner in Washington state where gay marriage is legal. The couple live in Hawaii and have a farm where they raise macadamia nuts. What an awesome way to spend your golden years! But honestly, the headline is misleading in that there was no real discussion of the farming, which I found disappointing until I remembered that this is People Magazine and not American Small Farm & Country Life magazine. This lack of detail makes me suspect that the macadamia nut farming was thrown into the headline as a way for the People magazine headline writers to get their snark on at Nabors's expense. Yes, People magazine fancy-folk I would much rather be doing your job of writing about Miley Cyrus's new haircut than be a gentleman farmer in Hawaii. I give this round to Nabors.

 Neighbors

The house next door to us has been for sale since July and it looks like we may be finally getting some new neighbors. I was kind of excited about the prospect until I started looking at all these crazy neighbor notes. Many, many, many of the notes are angry notes from apartment dwellers upset with their loud sex-having neighbors. Most of my favorites have nothing to do with this because if you've seen one note that says, "shut up with the loud sex," you've really seen them all. Here are the best of some of the others: 

  

Never, even when I was younger and cooler, would I have been so okay with someone peeing on my couch and carpet. Apartment 2B, either you are very understanding or Frank has some dirt on you.

Federal offense, be damned, I guess that stealing your neighbor's mail is a thing: 

So, funny, but I'm kind of wondering who lives in an apartment and orders 30 rolls of toilet paper? Where would you put them, first of all? Second of all, how many people are living in the apartment? Because I live with four other people and I think 30 rolls of toilet paper would last us close to six months. 

Here's the response to another Amazon delivery-stealer:

Ha, ha! Joke is totally on you ferret water bottle guy! This reminds me a little of when my car got broken into in Hoboken and the thief stole my gym bag of sweaty clothes and two out of four tapes from the audiobook of "Young Men and Fire." Congrats on that haul! 

Then there are the notes that make you wish you knew the whole story:

Also:

So true. Like supply squirrels with weapons:

You would be surprised by the variety of pictures of squirrels with machine guns on the Internet.

Finally, this:

I think I might be tempted to throw a loaf of French bread in a toilet if I knew it would illicit such a disproportionately outraged response. Oh, Vince it's a joke. If you didn't get upset I bet the bread-toilet pranks would stop. They're just looking for attention. I know this because I have children.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

 Apologies to Robert Frost, but this was a good way to introduce a conversation that I had with the Boy regarding the multiple definitions of "fence."

The Boy: There are two meanings for fence. First, there's the sticks that you poke each other with like a pole vault. 

Me: Yes, the game of fencing.

The Boy: Also, there are the fences that you build around your property.

Me: Yeah, you know there's a third definition of fence which means to sell stolen property. So, like if a thief steals a bunch of televisions from Best Buy and he wants to resell them, he has to find someone to sell the televisions or "fence" them for him. 

The Boy: That's cool.

Me: I can't imagine that this will come up for you until you're...um, in high school or something.

And this is the moment that I became my father, who is the king of imparting age-inappropriate knowledge to children just because he thinks it might come in handy for a five year old to know things like horserace betting terminology. I can't wait for this conversation to come back to haunt me at a parent-teacher conference. Also, "high school?" Maybe this would come in handy if he's committing crimes in high school, otherwise he should just pick it up from watching the Soprano's on Netflix or whatever has taken over Netflix when he's 17. 

Possible Housewarming Gifts For Our New Neighbors

I want to make a good first impression on our new neighbors, so I'd like to do the hospitable thing and bring over a gift to welcome them to the neighborhood. Here are some things that I am considering. 

A framed picture of this:

Jeah, that's Ryan Lochte recreating the Nirvana album cover. 

Because banana bread is so 2012. 

Or a copy of this book:

What could be a better gift than a child's guide to her mother's plastic surgery? 

Too personal? Maybe this is better:

I'd better watch out or I'll ignite a bidding war on that house. Hope you all have an awesome weekend.