Funny Friday

I don't know if you've heard, but the Superbowl is this Sunday. Since Manti Te'o isn't playing, the big story is that the San Francisco 49ers coach and the Baltimore Ravens coach are brothers. Allegedly. Soon it will be revealed that they've been catfishing each other since childhood and that Jim (49ers) is a gay aspiring singers from Samoa and John (Ravens) is a tragedy-prone female Stanford student. Oh, wouldn't the media love that twist!

Since Atlanta isn't in the Superbowl, I will be rooting for the Ravens because I'm a big Edgar Allan Poe fan, especially "The Fall of the House of Usher," which has nothing to do with a hip-hop mogul's termite problems, but rather being buried alive. Of course, the game is really secondary to the real entertainment, which is of course, seeing whether any boobs will be exposed during half-time and whether Beyoncé will actually sing. Oh yeah, and the commercials. So, in honor of America's third-favorite pastime, buying stuff, I have found some funny/horrifying advertisements. (By the way, America's first favorite pastime is football and second is public meltdowns of famous people).

The Good Old Days

Have you heard of Tipalet cigarettes? Me neither. Perhaps it's because their ad pitch was accurate and all their customers ended up getting stalked and suing the company:

Nothing more alluring than carcinogens in your face.

The foregoing ad is insulting to women, but it has nothing on this gem:

Yes, but you might break your delicate lady-fingers.

Today the news is about the defense department lifting the ban on women in combat, so it's hard to remember that there was a day when women couldn't even open a bottle of ketchup. I will note that in our house, the Boy would starve to death if I couldn't open a bottle of ketchup because he eats it on everything from broccoli to roast chicken. In fact, I thought about getting him this shirt:

You all know what? H.J. Heniz Company is headquartered in Pittsburgh, and DuPont was founded right down the road near Wilmington, Delaware. Shout out for the Mid-Atlantic! Sorry, that's my segue into the next ad.

DuPont, maker of products used in the construction, automotive, and food science industries, tries to broaden its market by including infant-suffocaters in their client base:

At least they look happy for being oxygen-deprived.

Not to be outdone, Love's Baby Soft appeals to the untapped market of pedophiles:

Possibly more horrifying than putting babies in Space Bags.

That poor bear is like, "get my agent on the phone! My contract specifically states 'no kiddie porn'!" 

Along these same lines, I know you all will be running out to buy the new baby perfume that Dolce & Gabbana has launched. D&G hopes that the scent will "enhance and accentuate baby's natural smell" with notes of citrus, honey, and melon. My babies mostly smelled like sour milk and poop, but in no way would I have ever shelled out $45 to make them smell like a fancy cocktail.

If you want to check out more vintage ads, check out this blog which contains a treasure trove of strange ways that ad companies tried to lure in consumers in the olden days.

The Modern Era

And onto today's odd products and advertising. Special thanks to David for spotting this ad for The Traveler's Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon in a SkyMall catalog and sending it to me:

You will wake bed bug and dignity-free

This product might be great for preventing bed bugs, but it is also darn close to being swaddled: 

Sleep Sack aka the Baby Straightjacket 

Do you all think that baby was sedated for the picture? When I swaddled my children, they acted like wild animals trying to escape a hunter's net.

No discussion of strange ads would be complete without a peek at this psychedelic commercial for a cat litter containment system. Stranger still, I found the ad when I was looking at the 10-day weather forecast on Weather.com. Anyway, here you go:

In case you weren't aware, cats with bread on their head is a thing that people with cats, bread, and too much time do.

Finally, this has nothing to do with cats or football and I don't think this kid is advertising anything, other than possibly his aptitude for fad dances of the last two decades, but it is funny:

Many, many thanks to Sarah at Mama Esq. for finding this gem. 

So, there you have it. Now when you go to your Superbowl parties you can safely visit the restroom assured that you have already seen all the really good ads.