Funny Friday

If you are a regular reader of ye olde bloge, you'll know that yesterday I generously offered up a case of viral pneumonia free to the first taker. Well, Albuterol-induced insomnia aside, she does seem slightly better today. So, if you took me up my offer, THANK YOU and I'll leave the Hello Kitty doll outside the front door. Goodbye Kitty! Speaking of Hello Kitty, check this out:

Hu Han-yan of Taipei got Hello Kitty shaved into his hair to cheer up his elderly father. That's such a great idea! For Mother's Day this year, I want the Boy to get a picture of a jar of Nutella shaved into his hair. That would totally cheer me up! Of course, I might be tempted to lick his head. I think the Boy might be okay with that since licking isn't on his list of "bad touches."

Funny Friday

March Madness has just gotten underway and I'll be pulling for Ole Miss, since Rutgers failed to get into the NCAA tournament for the 22nd year in a row. Things were easier for Rutgers back in 1767 when it was guaranteed a spot in the Elite Eight because it was one of the only eight colleges in the United States. Those were the good old days. Sure, the tri-cornered hats made it hard to see the basket. And sure, balls made of deerskin stuffed with hair were hard to dribble, but Rutgers was in the hunt! This week's Funny Friday is all about March Madness, but yet has very little to do with sports. Example:

To me the pattern is vaguely reminiscent of pants a certain type of New Jersey guy wore to the gym in the early 1990s. Oh, yes:

Bless you, Adidas for bringing back that pattern.

Funny Friday

Parents get blamed for a lot of stuff, and moms are a particularly popular target. For instance, the sales of Matchbox cars are on the decline and Mattel thinks it's because of mothers. According to Mattel, women don't understand cars the way they do action figures, which are essentially dolls, or blocks, which allow creative expression. Moms don't comprehend the benefits of playing with toy cars because they themselves "have never played with them," Matt Petersen, a Mattel vice president, told Bloomberg Businessweek. According to Mattel, cars can be used to teach boys all sorts of things, including math and science and moms aren't aware of these benefits.

Obviously, this is very sexist. Not as sexist perhaps as this video, but pretty sexist. In my personal experience, it's also just incorrect. The Boy loved his cars and I bought tons of them, so back up, Mattel. I kid you not that he slept with a garage full of cars in his crib for two years. Before he had cars, he would take a block (which is something I understand with my lady-brain) and run it up and down the floor, pretending that it was a car, which is why I bought him some real cars. As I've mentioned, I'm not terribly introspective about this sort of thing, so I didn't reflect on whether he'd derive some additional educational benefit from the cars past just playing with them. Similarly, I never reflected on what benefit the Baby would get from having a doll; she just wanted to play with one and that was good enough for me. 

Further, I think it's quite a leap to say that because moms didn't play with cars when they were children, they can't understand boys' interest in cars. I don't have a penis and never have, but that doesn't mean I don't understand a little boy being fascinated when he discovers his. When you finish with the mom-doesn't-understand-cars issue, Mattel, get on the mom-doesn't-understand-penises issue.

A common sentiment among little boys.

Now that you're caught up on current events (oh yeah, there's also a new Pope), the remainder of Funny Friday is devoted to jobs and hobbies that I wasn't aware existed.

Funny Friday

How did this shit happen? I just realized that the Girl and the Boy have no school on Monday and the Baby has no school on Friday. Why am I just realizing this? Also, daylight savings is this weekend? Even though I know that I am an adult and should be keeping track of these things, I feel very much entitled to a phone call or at least an email or text from someone important reminding me of these matters. What about Joe Biden? He's probably been furloughed and has some time on his hands and he'd probably even say something funny and vaguely inappropriate, sort of like this picture:

This is entitled "sexy Joe Biden picture." I think perhaps
"disturbing but fascinating Joe Biden picture" would be more accurate.

I'll admit it, I'm not sophisticated and I like a good Photoshop sight gag. That picture is particularly funny to me not because it's Sarah Palin's body, but because it looks like she's inexplicably wearing dark, shiny pantyhose. Is it support-hose? I'm not sure, but when I look at the picture, my legs start itching.

So, this week I'm sharing some funny pictures. Basically, I'm like the Pinterest humor boards only with fewer cats and pictures of the cast of the Harry Potter films. Here we go:

 Don't Call it a Q-Tip

The K came home with some Target brand cotton swabs the other day and the back of the packaging had some helpful pictures to demonstrate the uses of the swabs:

Is anyone else disturbed by the weird scale of the pictures? Based on the pictures, I concluded that good uses for Target cotton swabs are:

1. Cleaning the faucets in a doll house,
2. Cleaning your computer keyboard,
3. Removing eye makeup,
4. Serving utensil for mini-sized Cheeze-Whiz at a elf party, and
5. Brushing your child's hair after he's been shrunk to the size of a shot glass by Rick Moranis.

Funny Friday

There are some things that just make me do a quick rubbernecking move and say, "ex-squeeze me? A- baking powder?" (yes, I did just make a "Wayne's World" reference). This Funny Friday is devoted to those things that make you go, hmmmm (yes, I did just make a C+C Music Factory reference). Apparently it is sunny, cold, and 1992-ish in here today.

What does "squared-away" mean? Because...

This is opposite of what I think of as being squared-away

Sad face. Nick Nolte was apparently under the influence of GHB when he was arrested and that picture was taken. According to Wikipedia, Nolte said that he had, "been taking it for four or five years and I've never been raped." Another sad face.

Just so you won't have that image burned into your brain like that cat anus tattoo, I'll give you this:

Crazy fact: in 1972 Nick Nolte and Sigourney Weaver (yes, that's a blonde Sigourney Weaver sitting next to Nick on the driftwood) appeared in this advertisement for Clairol's "Summer Blonde" hair lightener. They look so happy and squared-away, don't they?

Funny Friday

In celebration of the Academy Awards, which is often called "women's version of the Superbowl" by men who must find football extremely tedious, Funny Friday will feature some entertainment-industry humor. Experience has taught me that you should skip the entire Oscar broadcast because it is so long and insufferable. Inevitably, you will fall asleep and only know that Best Supporting Actor is Christoph Waltz or whomever. If you want to know who looked good and who Joan Rivers will be lambasting on Fashion Police, consult People Magazine on-line during the red carpet. As a bonus, you can preview what dresses will be shortened and tarted-up for prom this year. The actual Oscar winners? The next day you can read the list of winners, promptly forget all but Best Picture, and watch a five-minute recap from your favorite morning news show and you are done. You now have enough time to catch up on the last season of "Homeland" that's been sitting on your DVR for three months.

Who knew that statues even had hair?

Television Actors of a Bygone Era

Ever hear of Kevin Brophy, star of the 1977 television series "Lucan" in which he played the title character who was raised by wolves? No? How about Peter Barton who played Dr. Scott Grainger on "The Young and the Restless" for six years? No, me neither. Well, lucky for Brophy and Barton, Ray Fulk, a 71-year old Illinois man not only remembered them, he made them the main beneficiaries in his will. Fulk died last year, leaving an estate of up to $1 million to the two actors, who actually knew each other because they appeared together in the 1981 movie "Hell Night." 

If I became a recluse and disinherited my family, I would have to leave my estate (currently valued at up to $387.45) to my favorite obscure television stars, Robbie Rist and Lara Jill Miller. You probably know Rist best from his work as Cousin Oliver on "The Brady Bunch," while Miller played Samantha Kanisky on the 1980s series "Gimme a Break," with Nell Carter. Currently, the two do animation voice work and both appear on the Baby's favorite show, "Doc McStuffins" in which Rist voices a dragon named Stuffy and Miller voices Lambie, Doc's chupacabra. Oh wait, no. Lambie is a lamb. 

Isn't that the cutest farm animal slaughtering, blood-draining cryptid you've ever seen?

Funny Friday

I can't believe it's Friday already. I know it's a cliché, but this week has flown by for me. I spent the better part of Monday half-blind after getting my eyes dilated at the opthamologist (okay then, spellcheck how do you spell opthamologist because these guys agree with me.) Try not to get too bored with my eye dilation story, but my eyes dilate really easily, so last year when I went to the eye doctor my eyes were supposed to stay dilated for 3 hours. Well, 24 hours later I was still all wonky-eyed and looked like I was on some kind of amphetamine bender. This time I begged the nurse to only put one drop in each eye. I got 1/2 drop in my right eye and 1 drop in my left and my left eye was still dilated for eight hours. So, just in case you saw me that day, that is why I was wearing sunglasses at Publix. I'm not trying to be like Jack Nicholson:

Sunglasses at night and inside.

Funny Friday

I don't know if you've heard, but the Superbowl is this Sunday. Since Manti Te'o isn't playing, the big story is that the San Francisco 49ers coach and the Baltimore Ravens coach are brothers. Allegedly. Soon it will be revealed that they've been catfishing each other since childhood and that Jim (49ers) is a gay aspiring singers from Samoa and John (Ravens) is a tragedy-prone female Stanford student. Oh, wouldn't the media love that twist!

Since Atlanta isn't in the Superbowl, I will be rooting for the Ravens because I'm a big Edgar Allan Poe fan, especially "The Fall of the House of Usher," which has nothing to do with a hip-hop mogul's termite problems, but rather being buried alive. Of course, the game is really secondary to the real entertainment, which is of course, seeing whether any boobs will be exposed during half-time and whether Beyoncé will actually sing. Oh yeah, and the commercials. So, in honor of America's third-favorite pastime, buying stuff, I have found some funny/horrifying advertisements. (By the way, America's first favorite pastime is football and second is public meltdowns of famous people).

The Good Old Days

Have you heard of Tipalet cigarettes? Me neither. Perhaps it's because their ad pitch was accurate and all their customers ended up getting stalked and suing the company:

Nothing more alluring than carcinogens in your face.

Funny Friday

I need some funny today because I just got back from dropping the Baby at preschool where she refused to get out of the car at drop-off, forcing me to park on the street, carry her in the freeeeeezing cold into the classroom where upon her teacher had to physically peel her off of me so that I could leave. I came home and read the chapter in "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety" by Tamar E. Chasky, Ph.D. about separation anxiety and desperately wished for a few minutes that the hard parts of parenting could be outsourced. Apparently some role-playing and "good-bye book" making are in my future. That's the parenting shit that no one posts about on Facebook. It's moments like this when I need to focus on the end game: In 20 years they have to be grown and not living in my basement.

Alright, now that I've vented, on to the week in funny. One of my favorite websites for funny things is HappyPlace. That's where I found that sad, sad incorrectly spelled tramp stamp. Check out all the misspelled tattoos and you'll be happy that you just got a picture of your cat tattooed on your stomach:

Because when I look at my bellybutton, I too, think cat anus

Funny Friday

Funny Friday is an attempt to organize this blog in some manner. Because goodness knows that my house isn't organized, so I might as well try to organize this blog. In my defense, I think my house would be organized if I lived alone. The problem is that I'll put everything away and then shit like this happens:

That's the rocking horse from the Baby's room. She needed it downstairs so that she could ride it while watching the Colorado dude ranch episode of "Fetch! With Ruff Ruffman." She also insisted on wearing a cowgirl costume to make the whole experience really authentic. I just thought, crap, instead of getting the peace and quiet that I deserve for allowing her to watch television, I am hauling rocking horses up and down the steps and rummaging through the dress-up clothes to come up with an acceptable cowgirl outfit.

Anyway, back to Funny Friday. This is going to be my Friday blog feature in which I will recap the top funniest things that I've come across during the week. These can be kid stories, funny news stories, funny emails, texts, whatever. So, toss back your Happy Hour cocktail and read on!