Thursday, January 31, 2013

I Want to Write a Book, Too

Amy Poehler is writing a book. Lena "voice of her generation" Dunham is writing a book. Since I am a jealous-type person, I want to write a book, too. Here are some book ideas that I've come up with that I think will be instant best-sellers. Note that any similarity of these titles to actual book titles is purely coincidental.

Laundry Detergent for the Soul - In which I combine cleanliness and Godliness in a book that is part stain-removal recommendations and part daily devotional. Sample entry: "To remove red wine, pour vodka on the stain and wash as usual. If the stain comes out, thank God. If the stain does not come out, drink the remaining vodka."

The Vacuuming Solution - Are you trying to lose that pesky baby weight? Just do what I did in the glorious months of late 2005 when the Boy was but a few months old and our house became infested with fleas. Not only did I drop all the baby weight in a month by vacuuming the entire house on a daily basis, but the vacuum was loud enough to drown out the Boy's crying. Bonus!
Saddest iPhone cover ever.

The Grapes and Cashews of Wrath - Helpful tips on what causes severe gastrointestinal upset in small children. Did you know that if a wee one eats enough cashews they may be unable to digest the oil in the nuts and that orange oil will then flow freely from his or her ass? This is a real thing that I hope no one else ever has to witness.

Long Days Journey Into a Longer Night - A step-by-step guide to recognizing the signs that you need to hire a baby nurse for your newborn. Such signs include: your baby wakes up so often during the night that you have a 30-second dream in which she is triplets with colic. Also, if you go to pick up the baby and she looks like this:

That's no rooster-dog, that's my baby.

you need to find some help or else spend less time in the sweat lodge.

A Good Babysitter is Hard to Find - A helpful book on who not to hire to watch your children. For example, the lady who chews tobacco and falls asleep while watching your toddler is not a good choice. Neither is the lady who spills her pills which resemble candy all over the playroom floor and fails to find them all. Anyone who brings her own Benadryl, "just in case things go south" you should also probably eliminate from contention.

No caption necessary.

The Squeak and the Furry - A memoir in which I describe being bullied by my children into taking home the class gerbil for the summer only to be told upon picking up said gerbil that the adorable rodents have a 3-year life expectancy, and that the class gerbil is already 3 1/2. Hilarity ensues as I spend the next two months Googling  "defib paddles for gerbils" and instead find this picture:

Piglet Boots
The Chicken and the Fry - A food and travel journal detailing the location of every restaurant from Florida to Maine and the quality of the chicken nuggets. Expert analysis will be provided by the Boy who consumes no other form of protein. Will include a map of restaurants to avoid because their children's menu omits chicken nuggets in favor for crap like corn dogs and shrimp puffs.

Diminished Expectations - This book would be an answer to all those Tiger Mom-type books. It would instruct parents how to alter their hopes and dreams for their children's futures. Because, if you are like me, when your child is born you fantasize that he or she might become president or a great scientist or a famous actor. By the time the terrible twos roll around, you just hope that they won't be institutionalized or arrested.

One Peed Over Behind the Shed - This book would cover the intersection of childcare and home renovation. If it weren't for our house painters, the Boy would never know about our "outdoor urinal" behind the storage shed. Thank you painters, for upgrading our house from a 4 bath to a 4 and a 1/16th bath!

Chickens are the hobgoblins of outhouses. I think R.W. Emerson said that.

So, literary agents, if any of these fabulous ideas sound like pure publishing gold to you, please contact me. I desperately want to be the voice of my generation if only so that when I get laryngitis next year someone can say, "the voice of her generation has laryngitis."


  1. How do you come up with this stuff? I do think you will write a book one day, but I'm betting you will choose a different topic. After all, how long can you discuss cashews and orange oil? ;-) Thanks for the laugh and the reminder of how glamorous motherhood really is.

    1. I could go on for an uncomfortably long time about that one topic. I'm sure it would join holding your kid back in school as subjects that everyone avoids discussing with me.

  2. Um, you forgot: "A Southern Girl's Guide to Hosting a Trailer-Trash Throwdown with Grace & Style." You could include costume ideas, recipes, a malt liquor tasting guide, how to keep chew at its freshest in a humidor etc. The possibilities are endless. Forget about self-publishing, the Junior League would pick it up w/out a doubt.

    1. Not sure about the Grace and Style part! I think you could supply some of the chapter ideas. Malt liquor tasting! Now that sounds like a fun activity.