Friday, May 10, 2013

11 Things That Shouldn't be Produced in Camouflage Print

My good friends Mama June and Sugar Bear were lawfully (maybe) joined in holy matrimony last weekend. They went an untraditional direction with the attire, and both the bride and groom wore camouflage to the wedding. Here's a good picture of the groom, bride, and Honey Boo Boo, herself:

Just in case you were wondering, June's dress is not the same earth-roaming fish camouflage pattern on the tablecloth from the K's white trash birthday party:

I believe that the pattern on Mama June's dress is a classic mossy oak.
I thought this might be a good time to talk about camouflage making the leap from the foxhole to the mainstream. Honestly, though, is there really a wrong time to talk about camo?
While camouflage is really just a fabric pattern, like madras or polka dots, it's the only fabric pattern that originated to protect military personnel and equipment from detection by enemy forces. (Little known fact: madras originated to protect fugitives hiding in a Vineyard Vines store.) Hunters took their lead from the military and took to wearing camouflage to avoid detection by deer. Camo: when a human being's superior brain power isn't enough of an advantage. I have to confess that deer hunting camo doesn't make a ton of sense to me since I learned that deer are essentially color blind. This is why deer hunters can wear orange hats and vests; the deer can't see the orange but other hunters can, so hopefully you shoot the deer and not your buddy. Ducks and other water foul can see orange, so I'll grant you camo in a duck blind. I'm sure one of you all will let me know why deer hunters wear camo. But for right now all I can come up with is that it doesn't show dirt and tobacco stains.

This guy is a big grey blob to a deer.
Lately, camouflaged patterns have morphed from something utilitarian to being emblematic of the outdoor sporting lifestyle. Mama June is not the only celebrity to sport camouflage formal attire. As you may remember, Levi Johnston (aka Bristol Palin's baby daddy) also wore camo at his wedding to Sunny Oblesby:

Also present at Levi and Sunny's wedding was their baby girl, Breeze Beretta.
Because their baby name formula is Weather + Weapon = Baby Name
The Duck Dynasty crew walked the red carpet resplendent in camouflage:

Even Kim Kardashian wore camo at the Met Gala:

Wait, what? That's not camouflage? It's Givenchy? Oh Kim, bless your heart. Someone is selling you a bill of goods with your maternity wardrobe, honey.

My problem with using camouflage patterns outside a military or hunting setting is that I can't divorce the pattern from it's original purpose. Take the camo stuff in our house, for example. The Boy's backpack is a blue camo number from Pottery Barn Kids:

Available here

The backpack is good quality and has held up to being dragged across the sidewalk, however I can't escape the nagging thought that the backpack's camouflage pattern is blue sharks and only truly camouflaged if you throw it into the ocean during a feeding frenzy. This is the kind of thing I think about when I should be cleaning the pollen off my screened porch or planning the Third Grade Class Picnic.

A camouflage print backpack or is one thing, but there are many items that are printed with camo that you really want to be able to find, so it irks me that they're outfitted in a camo print. 

1. A Child's Bathing Suit - 

First off, this pattern only provides its camouflaging assistance if you wear it in the woods. If you wanted it to provide camouflage in the pool, it should be blue, like this:

But then this pattern would pose a safety hazard, because do you really want your kid to be camouflaged in a swimming pool? Seems like you might want him to stand out in case a lifeguard needs to see him. 

2. Cell Phone Case - 

If you've ever almost crashed your car while blindly searching for you phone in the seat next to you, you'll agree that making it harder to see is not the direction we need to be going.

3. Undergarments - Busty, top-heavy, zaftig, buxom are all words that have never been used to describe me, so that's why I would never go for this product in a camo print:

'Cause when they're hard to see anyway, the last thing you need is something to make them disappear altogether.

Similarly, guys:


4.  Ahem:

5. Children's Items - Every parent's nightmare is to lose their child, so then why would you dress your baby in this outfit? 

Available here.
The saving graces are the bow and belt, without which she would become totally invisible. To make matters worse, she could be sleeping in this bed:

and you'd never find her until she started screaming for her:

6. Toys - Losing your kid's favorite stuffed toy is always traumatic, why tempt fate by letting him get attached to this little guy:

7. Bicycle - Another potential safety hazard would be a camouflaged bicycle:

8. Easter Egg Dying Kit  - Want to guarantee you'll never be asked to dye and hide Easter Eggs again? 

That sound is small children crying because the Easter Bunny is a sadistic jerk.

9. Wedding Ring Set - Isn't the point of the engagement ring and wedding band that they are a visible, outward symbol of your love? Well, not if you can't see them:

10. Casket Liner - Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to say goodbye to Uncle Fred. Wait, where'd he go?

11. Why? Just Why? My vote for the weirdest camouflage-patterned product has to be this sleep apnea machine:

Oh my goodness, I barely noticed that you had a big breathing apparatus on your face because it was camouflaged!

Well, that's my list of things I wouldn't want to be camouflaged. Now, of course there are things that should be camouflaged like bicycle shorts and our family room sofa, but that's another list. 

Tip: If you get married this year avoid camo for your wedding dress because when you look back you'll think, "Camo was soooo 2013." 

No comments:

Post a Comment