Monday, May 13, 2013

Word to Your Mother

I hope you all had a good weekend. We were busy, busy, busy with year-end activities and sports for the kids. We've been incredibly swamped with stuff, which is why I haven't been able to post the last few days. We did take some time out on Sunday to celebrate Mother's Day. The "children" sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers from Foxgloves & Ivy (the website is wonky, but the flowers are very pretty) and a necklace. In a role-reversal, Mom gave me some cute Vera Bradley flip flops like this:

Available in Decatur at Seventeen Steps.

The children all made their own gifts, as well. The Baby decorated a flowerpot at school:

Which was very cute until she realized that the flowers were plunged into green play-doh (not capitalized because I think it's homemade) to hold them in place. She then deconstructed the entire gift, pulling out all the flowers, the pink Easter grass, and finally the green play-doh. After she got tired of playing with the individual elements of my gift, I put it all back together and cleaned up the stray Easter grass and play-doh that had fallen on the floor. Nothing like a gift that keeps on taking.

While I love the Baby's gift, I think that when kids get a little older and can make their own gifts, you get some really awesome stuff. Which brings me to the Girl's gift, a coupon book, and the Boy's gift, the most awesome Mother's Day card ever.

Here is the cover of my Mother's Day coupon book:

It kills me how many hours I spent working on handwriting when I was in elementary school and now they spend about 20 minutes, which apparently consisted of the teacher telling them to write "swirly." Inside are some great coupons, such as:

I believe that should be "snuggles." Unless she means
"strudels." I would take 100 free strudels in a hot second.

I'm glad she clarified that the "cleaners" refers to the house
so I wouldn't get mixed up and think she meant crime
scene cleaning like the movie

Yeah, right.
 Can I tell you how my 20 minute free period would work? Like this:

Me: I'm using my coupon for my 20 minute free period. I'll be in my room.
(after 1 minute)
Kid: How many minutes until we can bother you?
Me: 19.
Kid: Okay.
(after another minute)
Kid: How about now? How many minutes?
Me: 18.
Kid: Um, okay. But, what if someone's bleeding? Can we bother you then?
Me: Yes. If someone is bleeding you can bother me.
Kid: Okay, but what about blunt force trauma? What about then?
Me: Yes, injuries of any kind, you can bother me.
Kid: What about a house fire?
Me: Yes. Any emergency is fine.
Kid: many minutes now.
Me: 16.
Kid: Okay.
Kid2: I'm kind of starving to death and probably dehydrated, so it's an emergency and I need you to get me something to eat and drink.
Me: You know, let's take a raincheck on this coupon. It doesn't seem like the timing is right.
Kid: You've already used it, so you've kinda forfeited that one. Now you only have nine left. Just so you know.
Me: Duly noted.

Given the number of yogurt squeezers consumed in
our house and the weird places I've found them, this
is probably the most useful coupon. 

Well, already used that one. 
Now here is possibly the best thing I've ever received from the Boy. I found it in his backpack this morning, so it's actually a belated Mother's Day card, which somehow just adds to the awesomeness.

Here's the front:

You were expecting flowers or a heart? Sorry.
Here is the message inside:

He also signed it "from" and his first and last names. 
I'm not sure how he could know that I stood on a corner all day on Sunday in a trench coat. There were numerous accounts of spontaneous blindness that same day. Coincidence?

The best part is that on the inside of the cover he cut out pieces of paper with some adjectives that he felt describe me:

Wait for it...

Crafty...and I'm pretty sure it's not a reference
to my ability to do crafts


Cynical.  So, Abercrombie & Fitch is out for me. 
Last but not least, awkward. 

In context. A full array of all my best qualities. 

I had to stop myself from laughing so hard that I cried in front of him. I took a second to collect myself and then asked him where he found the words. He said, "I didn't want just a bunch of boring words to describe you, so I found some really original ones." Mission Accomplished. I'm really not sure if he knows what all the words mean, but who the hell cares? I bet I'm the only mother in the entire world to receive a card from her child that comments on her awkward personality high-points.

I can't even tell you how much I love it. This just proves to me that the Boy and I are on the same wavelength that he would make the card for me and that it could be the most perfect thing I could ever hope for. My only fear is that I love it so much that it means that I'm not cynical.

I hope you all had a Flashing Good Weekend!*

*I'm working on the the trademark application for this phrase.


  1. OMG that card is hilarious! I got one from jmb. His cards are usually very short. He must have been feeling generous this year: "you always make me feel safe and protected, you are very kind." He closes with "love" rather than "sincerely," which he usually uses.

  2. Well, that's sweet. Maybe by the time the Boy is JMB's age, he'll upgrade to "love" because he'll be trying to conform to societal norms. Part of me hopes not. I would be psyched to get a card next year with more insulting adjectives.