Resolution: Deconstruct Groupon's New Year's Offers

Happy New Year everyone! Are you all tired of all the weight loss commercials and "quit smoking now" commercials yet? I am and I barely even watched any television today due to a blackout from 4:30-7:00 while the power company repaired a power pole in the neighborhood that a New Year's Eve reveler knocked down last night. Thankfully my laptop was charged so that I was able to check email and discover that Groupon had sent me some discounts on New Year's Resolution-type deals. The offers included a weight-loss package (with this stock picture of a girl who has no need for such an offer):

I mean, come on. Also, under what circumstance, other than bridesmaid dress fittings, do women checks the circumference of their body parts with a tape measure? Personally, I check the size of my thighs by trying on my jeans.

Further assistance to track your progress towards your weight loss goals comes in the form of a body composition scale which computes body fat, water weight, and body weight. But, apparently if that all fails, you can use the old standby:

Again with the tape measure. Again with the model who needs no tape measure to assure her that she is in ridiculously good shape. Good enough shape, in fact, to be a measuring tape-model, which may be a real thing that I didn't know existed until I started parsing these Groupon deals.

If the diet plan and fancy scale don't work, there's a deal for a week at the Biggest Loser Resort Niagara in Java, New York. Sounds pretty good until you read that the deal is only good for January through March, which is not exactly the high season for being in upstate New York. The map of the location is priceless:

You are guaranteed to lose weight because you will be in the middle of a frozen lake. Your shivering alone will burn about a zillion calories a minute as your body works to keep the hypothermia from setting in.

Tools for kicking your smoking habit are also covered. I have to admit that I was a little confused by this deal:

It seemed strange to be offering a smoking "starter kit" when most people try to quit smoking at this time of year. Then I realized that they are smokeless, battery powered cigarettes. All I can think about is the real Allison DuBois (who that show "Medium" was based on), smoking fake (but smoky) cigarettes on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills."

Did anyone else see this episode? Camille Grammer hosted the worst party ever and for some reason Allison Dubois and Faye Resnick were there. Whaaaat? Is California just so full of the tangentially famous that they eventually all cross paths at dinner parties hosted by former lingerie models?

Another great deal offered is Green Coffee Bean Extract with Svetol, which is different from Svedka in that one is a trademarked chemical in green coffee beans and the other is a vodka with a fembot mascot who looks like Victoria Beckham circa 2000:

I love the description of the Green Coffee Bean Extract with Svetol because the Groupon description writer guy (who was clearly disappointed he had not been promoted to model tape measure-holder) slipped in something silly right at the end:

Recommended by the likes of Dr. Oz, green coffee bean extract with Svetol aims to burn fat when taken as a supplement to daily meals. Svetol provides antioxidant protection, and can also maintain glucose control as users begin to lose weight naturally. Formulated with bioperine for optimum absorption, the beans brim with 800 milligrams of extra-virgin organic coconut oil. The supplements contain no artificial ingredients, and are also free of gluten, soy, and kryptonite.

Because the last thing you want to be doing is starting up a kryptonite habit in the beginning of a new year. Happy 2013!