Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Green Eyed Monster

I've been thinking about the recent study which concluded that Facebook is making us miserable because we are jealous of the fabulous lives our friends appear to have based on their Facebook posts. I'm surprised about this mostly because I have always figured that most people are like me and only post things on Facebook that reflect the self that they want to promote. Also, people mostly only post about the great stuff and terrible stuff because Facebook is a little like restaurant reviews: why waste time writing a review that says, "this place is totally okay!"? If I posted about every mundane activity during my day my Facebook feed would make it look like I was a professional laundress and snack-getter: "Just threw in a load of whites!" "Kids totally can't get enough Goldfish crackers! Up again to get a bowl of Pirate's Booty! But, hey YOLO!"

This is a fucking lie

I know what you're asking right now: If we shouldn't be jealous of the white-washed lives that our "friends" present on Facebook, who can we be jealous of? (People who end sentences with prepositions, first of all). Let me tell you, if the circumstances are right, you can be jealous of nearly anyone. For example, Sister did the smart thing before going to law school and actually worked at a law firm. She was a paralegal for about a year at a big, fancy pants New York City law firm. Such law firms are known for working associates really, really hard. So hard, in fact, that if they got paid by the hour, their hourly wage would be comparable to someone working at McDonald's. One of the associates told Sister that he was riding home on the subway after pulling a couple of all-nighters in a row. In the same subway car was a sleeping homeless man. The associate told Sister that he felt genuinely envious of the homeless man because he had free time.

So, while you ponder how someone who makes a six-figures can be jealous of a man whose bedroom is a double seat on the C train, here are some people with skills and gifts that bring out the green eyed monster in me:

1. People who always find cool bargains at discount stores. You know you have a friend who always looks amazing and when you ask where she got her shirt she says, "Oh, this? I found it on the 90% off boy's section at Marshall's. And I had a coupon, so they paid me to buy it! It's some fancy designer and was totally mis-marked." I can't find a bargain to save my life. When I do pay $5.00 for a shirt, it will last for approximately one wearing, thereby ceasing to be a bargain.

2. People who never have issues with finding babysitters. When I see parents who go on fabulous trips sans kids I am in no way jealous of their trip. I am jealous of their ability to obtain a sitter and to plan the logistics of coordinating care for their children for any amount of time exceeding three hours. My friends with older kids promise that someday I will  be able to run to the store to get a gallon of milk without loading everyone into the car, but that seems far off like a dream of a dream.

3. People who never have to pay for express shipping. These people never have to spend $30.00 to express ship a $10.00 coonskin cap because their son needs to dress as Davy Crockett for a school project on Wednesday and it's Monday night. Basically, I'm jealous of people who don't procrastinate.

4. People with extra hours in their days. You know who I mean. There was a girl in my law school class who was a competitive equestrian, so she rode her horse every day, while maintaining her place in the top 10% of our class, and, during our third year she planned her wedding. I can only assume that she was a vampire.

5. People who are either efficient, super smart, or both. These are the people who tell you that you can balance work and home, but what they fail to understand is that they do their work twice as fast as you do because they are either brilliant, focused, or not interested in what's happening on TMZ. Of course they have time to train for a marathon because it takes them an hour to write a memo when it takes you three hours to write the same memo. These people also write "lifestyle" blogs and "help" you by providing to-do lists so you can get organized in 30 days or whatever.

6. People who are handy or people who have spouses who are handy. I love the K, but I can't imagine him building a cabinet for our flatscreen t.v. like the one that Dixie Delight's husband built for her. Her husband guest blogged and said things like: "The second option would be a pain because I didn't have a reciprocating saw" and "Then it hit me...drywall is usually 5/8 or 3/4 of an inch thick." He might as well be speaking Cantonese for all the sense this makes to me, but at the end of the day he built his wife  a cabinet for her flatscreen and I am jealous.

7. Spiritual people. Life would be so much easier if I could just be all nasmaste about the annoying things that seem to happen constantly. Flat tire on the way to pick up the kids? This too will pass. Child is flunking out of school? Keep calm and carry on. My reaction is more along these lines:

For petty annoyances

For when you have a dead raccoon in your chimney and are hosting a party for 60 people.

8. People who enjoy public speaking. This quote from Jerry Seinfeld said it best: "According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." I can answer that, yes, it makes total sense to me.

9. People who take aging in stride. For me, once I hit 35, it was all downhill in the looks department. About a year ago, I was getting a haircut and color and looked at my face under the harsh florescent lights, with my wet hair plastered to my skull. I immediately thought that shooting your face full of botulism might not be so bad. I'm very jealous of women who are all, "I didn't become my true self until my 40s" and "I think grey hair and wrinkles are the rewards for experience." Also, I'm jealous of Mom who looks 15 years younger than her real age with no hair color or Botox.

10. People who can properly fold fitted sheets. Forget the crop circles and the Bermuda Triangle, this is a real mystery. This is the only possible explanation:

How about you? Any people with skills, abilities, and gifts that you secretly covet and envy?


  1. Yes, people who are good with numbers. I can multitask anything that requires no mathematical skills. Put numbers into the mix and I'm lost. I can't even keep score while playing tennis. Sad, but true.

    1. Oh gosh, me too! Remember that math homework that the kids got in kindergarten and we had to consult on how to do it? I was seriously proud when I figured it out. And it was for 6 year olds.

  2. Studies at a major Midwestern university have concluded that itnis actually vampires who excel at folding fitted sheets. Witches ate better at avoiding the cutting edge on boxes of plastic wrap. I would not have published this anonymously if I knew what a URL was.

    1. Well, Anonymous (if that is your real name), I agree with all studies on the occult from major Midwestern universities, so I stand corrected. A URL is an address of something on the Internet. My URL, pour example, is and then if you're linking to a particular post there's a whole bunch of stuff afterwards to get you directly to that post. But, you should probably Google this because there's a 90% that I'm wrong. Because I am very jealous of people who know about computer stuff because I do not.