Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Tired, Stupid, or Early Dementia?

Whenever I make some bad miscalculation or decision (and this happens more often than I'd like to admit) I play a little game which I like to call "Tired, Stupid, or Early Dementia." Sometimes brain tumor is thrown in there as a fourth possibility, but I assure myself that since I never get headaches, a brain tumor is unlikely. Feel free to play along and try to guess the answers.

So, here are some examples of things I've done within the last few years that have triggered the game. About two years ago I was dropping off the Baby at Children's Morning Out. I like the pretense that this is to allow the children to get a morning out when everyone knows that the parents are doing a jig in the parking lot because they can finally go home and take a shower without imprisoning their 1 1/2 year old in the Pack n' Play. Anyway, I walked back to the swagger wagon (you've seen my sweet ride here):

I opened the door and sat down. I adjusted the seat, which seemed strangely close to the steering wheel. I reached for my coffee in the cup holder, but it wasn't there. For a second I thought that I must have left my coffee inside when I dropped off the Baby. Then I realized there was an unfamiliar coat on the front passenger seat. That's when it dawned on me that I was in someone else's minivan. I looked to my left and saw that my minivan was two spaces over. When I got out I realized that the minivan that I'd just unintentionally broken into was not even the same color as mine and was a Honda rather than a Toyota. 

Tired, Stupid, or Early Dementia? The answer is Tired. There are a couple of clues that should have tipped you off the the answer - the Baby was going to morning out, so it was early, and I was drinking coffee.

Situation number two happened last year. The Girl's eczema had been acting up, so I took her to the dermatologist for some help. The dermatologist walked in, took one look at the Girl.

Dermatologist: Does she have seasonal allergies?
Me: I'm not sure. 
Dermatologist: She has allergic shiners  - those dark circles under and around her eyes are caused by allergies.
Me: Really? I thought it was because she's part Lebanese.
Dermatologist: What?
Me: Well, my husband is a quarter Lebanese and he has dark circles, so I thought it was an Arab thing.
Dermatologist: M'am, if your husband has dark circles it's not because he's an Arab, it's because he also has allergies. 

Just a refresher - this is what the Girl looks like:

There's nothing about the Girl's appearance that would suggest anything other than lederhosen and wooden shoes, so you can understand the Dermatologist's confusion at me playing the Arab card. Also, she probably thought that I was being vaguely racist, which maybe I was, but I think that's okay if it's your own kid you're talking about. Like when George H.W. Bush called Jeb's kids "the little brown ones."

So, Tired, Stupid, or Early Dementia? The answer is Stupid.

Third up also happened last year. One morning I dropped off the Girl and Boy at school and ran into my friend Catherine as I was walking home. Catherine lives a bit farther from the school than I do, so she had driven to school that morning and offered to give me a ride back to my house, which I gladly accepted. We got to my house when I saw that my car wasn't in the driveway. Then I remembered that I too had driven the kids to school. Catherine kindly drove me back to my car (which I had walked right by without noticing) and told me that we could never speak of the event again.

Tired, Stupid, or Early Dementia? I'm going with Tired, because it was morning, although I could see the same thing happening at 3 pm, as well.

Finally, since I've been writing, I've found myself struggling to recall certain pretty common words. For instance, a couple of months ago I seriously wracked my brain for 30 minutes trying to come up with the word that means supporting a business by shopping there. I just could not come up with the word "patronize." Interestingly, though the other night when a restaurant hostess treated me in a condescending manner, I had no trouble coming up with the word patronize.

Tired, Stupid, or Early Dementia? I think this one has to go to Early Dementia, but maybe it's a weird variety of early dementia where I'll just remember all the negative and insulting words and forget the positive and uplifting words.

Aren't dark chocolate and red wine good for early dementia? I know they're good a cure for tired and stupid.

No comments:

Post a Comment