Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Worst Lestat

A million years ago before vampires were teenaged virgins or southern slave owners, Anne Rice was the vampire authority. Her book, "Interview with the Vampire" and subsequent vampire books were hugely popular in the 1980s and 1990s. I was actually surprised to see that "Interview with the Vampire" was written in 1976 because it seemed much more contemporary when the film adaptation of the novel was eagerly anticipated in the early 1990s. There was much ado about the casting of the movie and Anne Rice initially publicly opposed the casting of Tom Cruise as the Vampire Lestat because she preferred Rutger Hauer in the role.

I don't know, I kind of buy Cruise as a member of a secret cult. 

I guess Rice isn't alone in connecting Hauer with vampire since he's played roles in quite a few vampire television shows and movies, as I just learned from his Wikipedia entry. Also, he's an AIDS activist and his grandson is a fashion model. Fascinating.

The controversy over Cruise's casting gave rise to a game that the K and some of his friends played in which they would ponder who would really make the worst Lestat. Sample conversation:

The K: Ernest Borgnine would make a terrible Lestat.
Friend: Yeah, he'd be bad. What about Joan Rivers? She would be a worse Lestat.
The K: She would be awful as Lestat, way worse than Tom Cruise. What about Alan Thicke?
Friend: The dad from "Growing Pains?" Horrible Lestat. What about Don Rickles?
The K: Don Rickles would be the worst Lestat.

So, you get the idea? The genius of this game is that it could be transferred to the casting of other high-profile parts. And not so high profile. Because when I saw the news that Joy Behar is leaving "The View" my immediate thought was not, "Hey, Megan McCain would be awesome on The View," like People Magazine did in its list of "10 People Who Should Co-Host The View." (Even though I do think Megan McCain would be fabulous on "The View" because she's kind of a hot mess and she and Elisabeth Hasselbeck would love/hate each other). My thought was, "Who would be the worst replacement co-host on 'The View'" because that's way funnier.

Just to clear up some misinformation, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is not leaving "The View" despite reports that she was being ousted because her co-hosts dislike her conservative views. Literally, I have not watched "The View" in about five years, but they kind of need someone who's not old and liberal on the show, right? Otherwise, it's just like watching a bunch of grandmothers kibitz over the demise of Medicare and how their children never call. Thank goodness Barbara Walters had that chicken pox bout to make her more relatable to younger viewers. I probably agree with Elisabeth Hasselbeck's point of view 1% of the time, but you have to admire her ability to transcend her start as a college softball player and contestant on "Survivor."

Okay, now on to my list of the worst co-hosts for "The View":

Tom Cruise
Why it won't work: I know he surpassed expectations as Lestat, but can you see him making small talk with the ladies or interviewing celebrities? Also, he'd be jumping up and down on the couch and might give Barbara Walters a heart attack.
Why it might work: He's got to be in the market for a new wife. This would be a good chance for him to meet some young, eligible starlets and he might keep any crazy in check to make a good impression.

Former Pope Benedict XVI
Why it won't work: He's even older than Barbara Walters and he's said he wants to retire to write and to dedicate his life to prayer.  Quitting being the Pope to spar with Whoopi Goldberg is pretty much the worst retirement plan I can imagine even for someone whose career plan was to spend his entire life celibate. Also, "The View" is really a lady show and who knows less about women than a priest?
Why it might work: He has a keen fashion sense and loves a fancy shoe almost as much as Elisabeth Hasselbeck (former shoe designer, thankyouverymuch). He also has a handsome personal assistant:

Georg Ganswein
Who, to misquote Lady Violet from "Downton Abbey," looks like a priest in a musical review. I have a feeling the ladies would go totally "The Thorn Birds" on him.

Gwenyth Paltrow
Why it won't work: As detailed here last week, Gwenyth rubs a lot of folks the wrong way what with her love of organic wine, Parisian bikini-wax habit, and holier-than-thou attitude. Also, this would have to be in some alt-universe where Gwenyth has lost all her money on bad investments and too many $900 throw blankets because there is no other way that she'd stoop to co-hosting a daytime talk show.
Why it might work: While her insistence that pizza ovens are a good investment strike some as shallow, others find her to be inspiring. Got to give it to her, the girl wants to help people be healthier, she has some good recipes on her website, and if I'm ever in the market for a $200 white t-shirt, I know who can give me some advice.

Mama June
Why it won't work: Barbara Walters went to the reality show well once with Elisabeth, but I doubt she'd do it again. Also, I don't think that the different points of "view" that Barbara wants represented on the show include poor (well, formerly poor), southern rednecks. Which is redic because who does she think watches the freaking show? There's a reason that every other commercial is for personal injury attorneys.
Why it might work: Because the public would go berserk to see a game of "Guess Whose Breath?" with all the ladies on the panel. Plus, recipes for dishes like sketti would be a nice change of pace from all the segments on how to dress best for your figure.

Me (in stripes and hitchhiker's thumb) stalking the Honey Boo Boo family at Disney.
Amanda Palmer
Why it won't work: First of all, Amanda Palmer aka Amanda Fucking Palmer (for real) is an "alternative-rock icon" (The Dresden Dolls) and performance artist and, well, you can see why it wouldn't work, can't you? She is also famous for raising over a million dollars from fans on Kickstarter to finance her new album and delivering a much-viewed and thought-prevoking speech in which she argues that artists should give away their work for free, but ask fans for monetary support. That sound you just heard? It was Barbara Walters spontaneously combusting.
Why it might work: I can see Amanda doing this as an extended performance art piece like when Joaquin Phoenix pretended he was dropping out of acting to become a rapper and Casey Affleck filmed the whole thing because they're brothers-in-law, which is a crazy fact all on its own. She would also bring the show into the 21st century because she's a hugely savvy in her use of social media and the Internet.

Amanda Palmer, who would look cuter with a new brow do.
Although I'm sure I just don't "get" it.

Lena Dunham
Why it won't work: She's waaaay too hip for "The View" and if you've seen "Girls" she likes to be naked. I'm pretty sure that Barbara Walters showers in a tasteful tweed suit. She would also never do it because she's too busy being the voice of her generation over on HBO where they don't mind her nakedness and big tattoo.
Why it might work: She would appeal to younger viewers (surely there must be one or two millennials who watch "The View") and she and Sherri Shepard could make sex jokes.

Mr. Kertes
Why it won't work: Because he was my high school gym teacher and may actually not be alive. Major dark horse candidate, for sure. I mention him because he's the person I have known who would be most uncomfortable on a panel with a bunch of women talking about women subjects. I'm sure you all know a Mr. Kertes. He offered up bits of wisdom to our health class like, "If you get a pimple in your ear, you can heat a Q-Tip with hot water, touch it to the pimple and pop it." When someone pointed out that you aren't supposed to stick Q-Tips in your ear, especially when heated, he just shrugged like we were all the idiots with un-popped zits in our ears. He taught us first aid and told me that my tourniquet was horrible and that he sure hoped I wasn't around if he started bleeding to death. I thoroughly agreed.
Why it might work: Comic relief?

So, those are my nominations for the worst replacement hosts on "The View." What do you all think? Do you have any worst candidates of your own?


  1. First, I can NOT believe the View is still on.

    Second, worst co-host would be Courtney Love just because I don't think she is capable of speaking coherently. But it might work because the Elizabeth and Court "conversations" would probably be priceless. And there would probably be a throw down somewhere along the way.

    And I disagree about June! She'd be awesome! Team Mama June!

    1. Yeah, Courtney Love and Lindsey Lohan definitely make the list because they are so far gone. Amanda Palmer is sort of Courtney Love 2.0, but smarter and without the obvious drug problems and with a smidgen more ability for self-reflection. Elisabeth is so proper and controlled that I'm sure she'd have to do a cleanse after any encounter with Courtney.

    2. Oh and I do think Mama June would be excellent, jut that Barbara would never sully the seats of the View with someone so common. I do think they could stand to expand their demographic, because even with Sherri and Whoopi, it's pretty much urban east coast (okay, Sherri's from Chicago, but it's basically like NY) point of view when the majority of the country is not like that. They'd do well to get a southerner one of those people from Nebraska.

    3. Nancy Grace could kick it up a notch.

    4. Nancy Grace was already on The View only her name was Star Jones.

  2. I agree. We need Babs to jump the shark.

  3. Mel Gibson
    Al Gore
    Mitt Romney

    (I think I win this game.)

    Thanks for the laugh!

    1. Ooooh, Mel Gibson IS the best worst choice. I would pay a million fake dollars to hear him call Barbara Walters "Sugar Tits."

    2. ha ha ha ha ha

      Neal says I can't write full parenthetical sentences but I can't seem to stop myself. Damn public college education! ;)