Thursday, March 28, 2013

A to Zzzzzzzzz

One of the perks of growing up in New Jersey is that when I took the Princeton Review SAT prep course, my teacher really went to Princeton. One night he came the class with a coffee so big that Mayor Bloomberg would slap it out of his hands and looking a little bit like he'd taken a shower fully clothed and then air-dried. He told us with darting eyes and nervous laughter that he'd been awake for three days studying for exams and that people once you'd been deprived of sleep for three days you were considered to be clinically insane. He then proceeded to teach us about analogies.

I'm pretty sure that my teacher was wrong (or else all medical students are insane) but I think about his assertion every time I have a particularly bad night of sleep. So, last night I went to bed around 10:45, leaving the K to watch Duck Dynasty and fall asleep on the couch. At some point the K came to bed, a fact of which I became aware when the sound of little feet in the room woke me up. It was the Baby.

Me: What's going on?
Baby: My woom is weally, weally dark, so I woke up.
Me: It's night. It's supposed to be dark.
Baby: But, it's scawy.
The K: I'll take you back upstairs.
Me: You have to get rest for your Easter egg hunt at school tomorrow. (I checked the clock; it was 2:13) Today. Whatever.

The K took her back to her room and came back to bed. I went back to sleep. At 5:15 the K's watch alarm went off. He turned it off in his sleep. At 5:30 the K's second alarm went off. He turned it off in his sleep. At 5:45 his third alarm went off. He shut it off and started snoring. I momentarily considered smothering him with a pillow, but decided against it. I cleared my throat and elbowed him in the side.

The K: What?
Me: You're snoring.
The K: Sorry.
Me: Do you have any more alarms set?
The K: No. I...
He was asleep before he even finished talking. Asshole. I lay in bed debating whether I should get up. I debated for so long that by the time I decided to stay in bed and sleep, my alarm went off. Curses!

So, while I dragged around this morning trying to get the big kids ready for school, our 2 am visitor slept in until I woke her up at 8:30 for school. It's hard to get mad though:

Why yes, that is the deer blanket I bought as gag decor for the K's white trash birthday party. The children love it an argue about who gets to sleep with it and play with it. The other day the Baby did this:

and said, "Look, I'm Jesus' mommy." So silly! Everyone knows that there weren't any fleece blankets in the Bible. Fleece blankets didn't happen until Jason went on that quest and brought golden fleece deer blankets to the Ancient Greeks. Of course, our golden fleece came from Big Lots which was way easier, although I did encounter some sirens. Not that kind.

The worst thing about being sleep deprived for me is that I don't drink coffee or soda with caffeine. I actually don't drink soda at all. I know, for all of my making fun of Utah, I'd probably be quite at home there. Anyhow, I have to get by with other ways to keep myself awake. Luckily, there's a wikiHow on how to pull an all-nighter that gave me some helpful tips on staying awake when you are tired.

Food and Drink

According to the wikihow authors, caffeine actually should be avoided:

Hmmmm. I feel like the temperature of the water you are drinking is largely irrelevant since the thing that's keeping you awake is your uncomfortably full bladder and your need to empty it constantly. Also, I know people who have slept on the toilet. Or maybe they passed out. At first glance, who can tell the difference?

See? My neck is spasming just looking at this picture.
Also, what's this business about "the extensive amount of herbs" in herbal tea keeping you awake? What kind of "herbs" are we talking about here? Caffeine herbs? Cocaine herbs?

There are also a few dietary recommendations:

I appreciate the observation of the slippery slope that eating may lead to bloating which might lead to distraction due to bloating and then you're just like, "screw it, I'm bloated. I'm going to sleep."

Stew! That's the missing ingredient to your all-nighter! Stew! Also, I feel like many of these writers are tossing around the word "protein" without having any idea which foods actually contain protein. Smoothies? Sandwiches? Not really protein-rich.

If faux-protein foods aren't your thing, try this tip:

Also, you'll be unable to do whatever you're staying awake to do with all that panting and glugging (?) of ice water. Also, this might lead to more toilet sleeping. But then, doesn't everything really lead to toilet sleeping?


Now that your sense of taste as been destroyed in an effort to keep you awake, next step is to destroy your hearing:

However, if your music awakens the people around you and they start yelling, this may keep you from falling asleep. This is especially true if they grow so enraged that the fight gets physical. It has been clinical proven to be be impossible to sleep while you're being punched or kicked.

If the hardcore music doesn't have the intended effect, here are some alternatives:

I just Googled images of Owl City, Basshunter, and Mika and I am fairly sure the singers are all the same person.

If All Else Fails...

Alternatively, put the Mentholatum right in your eyes and go to the Emergency Room. The hospital is the best place to go if you don't want to sleep. When I had the kids, I felt like every five minutes a different nurse would come in my room to give me some pills, check my blood pressure, take the baby, or bring me the baby. I couldn't wait to get home with my baby that only woke me up every two hours. 

Here are some more unorthodox ways to stay awake:

  Zzzzzzzzz. Oh, whoops! I just lay in my bed with my eyes closed. I immediately fell into a crazed dream state in which I convinced myself I already wrote this blog post. Damn it. Also, I would have saved a bunch of money and about ten pounds in college if I knew that I could just rub my ears to get a buzz.

More Like This

After I read all the dubious advice of ways to keep yourself awake, the kind wikiHow folks gave me this suggestions for similar articles that might be useful for me:
How did "How to Stay Lucid While Drinking Jaegermeister" and "How to Make a Turbo Sandwhich (sp?)" make the list? Maybe the connection makes sense if you've been up all night writing wikiHow entries on how to stay up all night. It certainly would explain a lot.  

No comments:

Post a Comment