Tuesday, March 19, 2013

My Phone Call with Dora the Explorer

How do you lose a pair of bright orange soccer shorts? Seriously. The Girl had to wear her "navy" soccer uniform on Saturday, which is a blue shirt, orange shorts, and blue socks. The shorts mysteriously disappeared sometime between their (alleged) placement in the laundry basket and the dryer. I's like to mention again that the shorts in question are bright orange and that since no one in the house went to Tennessee or Clemson, it's not like they're getting mixed up with the rest of our orange clothes.

Since I'm pretty much convinced at this point that Swiper the Fox from "Dora the Explorer" is behind the shorts caper, I pulled some strings and called up Dora, herself for some help. Here's how it went:

Me: Heeey, Dora.
Dora: Hola, soy Dora.
Me: Oh, yeah, sorry. Hola. Look, we're missing some orange soccer shorts and I think that Swiper might be responsible.
Dora: That sneaky fox is always trying to swipe our stuff. Did you try to say, "Swiper, no swiping," three times before he took them? For some reason that always stops him. Although, between you and me, there's no earthly reason for it to work.
Me: No, I didn't actually see him take them, which is kind of the problem.
Dora: Oh, I see. He's been seeking help for the kleptomania, you know. That whole episode when Santa put him on the naught list really shook him up.
Me: No, I didn't know. He always seems to be the same. You know, taking your stuff and throwing really far away. That must get really old after a while.
Dora: Preaching to the choir, Sister. It's just like every day, the same old shit. We have to go on some kind of mission, Map tells us where to go, and there are always two stops and then we get to our destination. The next day, it's pretty much the same deal.

 Me: Oh my God, I totally know how you feel. Listen, every day I make the beds, do laundry, clean up the kids' messes and it's like I never finish because as soon as I sit down, everything's messed up again. It drives me crazy.
Dora: I'm totally with you. Yes, the job is boring, but look, at least I get paid well. I don't want to brag, but let's just say I'm almost to Kardashian level.
Me: Whoa! You're kidding. I had no idea!
Dora: Sure with merchandise and everything. But, I can't say that it hasn't caused some jealousy among the other members of my group.
Me: Oldest story in the world. Let me guess...Boots?
Dora: Shit. You know, we've gone through monkey sidekicks the way Van Halen went through lead singers. Some of them object to the partial nudity, for some of them it's the pay. I tell them they could be in some lab getting injected with monkey pox, but they don't even seem to care.
Me: This is totally fascinating, but can we focus on the shorts for a second?
Dora: Okay, Were the shorts amarillo or naranja?
Me: Ummmm. What are we doing? I got nothing.
Dora: You're supposed to answer me. Just do your best.
Me: Naranja? Is that orange? I'm sorry, my accent sucks.
Dora: Bueno! Who do we ask when we don't know which way to go?
Me: Oh, the Map? Please don't make me sing. It's bad enough that I'm having to speak Spanish.
Dora: Please! You think we want to pay royalties? I'm just going to conference in the Map. He's probably sleeping. Lazy sack. Hold on a sec.
Dora: Okay, everyone here?
Me: Yeah.
Map: I'm Map! To find the naranja shorts, you need to look under the couch, behind the washing machine, and then...
Me: Sorry to interrupt, but I've already looked in both those places. They're not there.
Map: But, I'm the Map.
Me: I totally understand, but they're not there.
Map: Dora, are you there?
Dora: Yeah, sorry. I had you on mute because I was drinking some chocolate caliente.
Map: I thought you gave up chocolate for Lent.
Dora: I gave up eating chocolate for Lent. I didn't give up drinking it.
Map: That's ridiculous. Chocolate is chocolate. You're cheating.
Dora: Hey, get off my back, won't you? I swear. You know how fast I could have you replaced by a GPS unit? A hot second, mi pequeno amigo.
Me: Hey, guys. The shorts?
Map: Right, well before Dora resorted to personal attacks, I was going to ask whether we are sure that this is a Swiper-perpetrated swipe.
Me: Not positive. It just seems like a strong possibility given that I can't find them anywhere.
Map: Riiiight. Well, you know sometimes my mapping capabilities are not applicable to non-Swiper related acts.
Dora: slurp He's just covering for his incompetence. I'll remember this at the next contract negotiations you little mierda.
Map: Fine by me! I'll bet Diego could use some help finding baby animals to rescue. How you two are cousins is beyond me. Selfish little...
Me: Did you just hang up on Map?
Dora: Sigh. Honestly, he's kind of dead weight. We already double check all his directions because it's an open secret that he's on the take with Mapquest and we all know how freaking reliable Mapquest is. Might as well get Helen Keller to give you directions.
Me: Wow! This is really fascinating. I had no idea. You guys all seem so close when I watch you on television.
Dora: It's not all bad, really. Isa the Iguana is my girl. We're like, "Explorer Bitches!" 'Cause girls got to stick together. And Tico the squirrel is hilarious. He's had his problems, though. I'm sure you saw it in the tabloids; the DUI, the arrest, wrecking the room at Chateau Marmont, being hospitalized for exhaustion. That guy just doesn't know when to stop. Just like a squirrel.
Me: You know who I've always wondered about? Benny the Bull. How's he doing?
Dora: He's a doll and the best cook. He just threw this Mad Men cocktail party that was so fun. I dressed like Betty, but a Latino Betty, of course. And Benny's been so much happier since he's come to terms with his sexuality and he's got a great new bf. We all adore him.
Me: Oh wow! Can you tell me who the boyfriend is?
Dora: OMG, no! It's totally on the DL. He's on Disney. It would be the biggest scandal since Miley Cyrus became a pot-head with a bad haircut.
Me: I understand. I wouldn't want to get anyone fired. Back to the shorts, though...I've got to say, Dora that I'm sitting here looking at a picture of you and I can't help but notice that you're wearing...
Dora: They're mine!!!!
Me: I'm not accusing anyone. It's just that they're orange and...
Dora: I'm hanging up, now. If you know what's good for you, you'll forget we ever spoke. I've got ways. Anything that I might need, Backpack's got inside for me...knives, granades, Anthrax...
Me: Whoa. Back up. I get the message. I'm going on Soccer.com right now to buy a new pair of shorts. I don't want to get mixed up in anything like that.
Dora: Wise choice. What was your favorite part of our phone call?
Me: I thought it was all fucking insane.
Dora: I liked that part too. Adios!


  1. Are you ok? I'm thinking you may have had some kind of mental break?

    1. It's satire. Or parody. I'm too senile to remember the difference, so it does probably read as crazy. Crazily, I wrote the whole thing in about 20 minutes, so it may be my secret gift. Why can't my secret gift be inventing apps?