Funny Friday

How did this shit happen? I just realized that the Girl and the Boy have no school on Monday and the Baby has no school on Friday. Why am I just realizing this? Also, daylight savings is this weekend? Even though I know that I am an adult and should be keeping track of these things, I feel very much entitled to a phone call or at least an email or text from someone important reminding me of these matters. What about Joe Biden? He's probably been furloughed and has some time on his hands and he'd probably even say something funny and vaguely inappropriate, sort of like this picture:

This is entitled "sexy Joe Biden picture." I think perhaps
"disturbing but fascinating Joe Biden picture" would be more accurate.

I'll admit it, I'm not sophisticated and I like a good Photoshop sight gag. That picture is particularly funny to me not because it's Sarah Palin's body, but because it looks like she's inexplicably wearing dark, shiny pantyhose. Is it support-hose? I'm not sure, but when I look at the picture, my legs start itching.

So, this week I'm sharing some funny pictures. Basically, I'm like the Pinterest humor boards only with fewer cats and pictures of the cast of the Harry Potter films. Here we go:

 Don't Call it a Q-Tip

The K came home with some Target brand cotton swabs the other day and the back of the packaging had some helpful pictures to demonstrate the uses of the swabs:

Is anyone else disturbed by the weird scale of the pictures? Based on the pictures, I concluded that good uses for Target cotton swabs are:

1. Cleaning the faucets in a doll house,
2. Cleaning your computer keyboard,
3. Removing eye makeup,
4. Serving utensil for mini-sized Cheeze-Whiz at a elf party, and
5. Brushing your child's hair after he's been shrunk to the size of a shot glass by Rick Moranis.

Bandages

Speaking of personal care products, I saw these and I think we might need them:

These would come in particularly handy, as the Baby and the Boy busted out some Ninja moves the other day:

Silent, but deadly.

He looks a little like he had a tooth extraction circa 1928.

I'm not sure of the significance of wrapping the sweatband around their mouths, but they look like they're posing for that NOH8 campaign:

K, K, and K Kardashian doing speak, see, and hear no evil.
Hmmm. If only it were true.

I am probably the only person I know who doesn't find the Kardashians, Coldplay, or Caillou annoying. If you have a minute click on the Coldplay link to read Sasha Frere-Jones's investigation into why he doesn't like Coldplay. Sample discussion of Chris Martin: "Nobody in popular music is more annoying to watch. What is he doing with his body? Ever? Is he in The Zone? (It's even annoying when he shaves). Martin rarely walks when he has the option to skip." Sorry, if I just listen to the music, I refuse to be annoyed. I also feel like Chris Martin deserves some slack because you know that Gwenyth Paltrow has got to be difficult, what with her organic whine (oops, wine) and Parisian bikini-wax needs.

You Didn't Tell Me

Look at this crap:

That's bubblegum that the Boy stuck to the headrest in the car because "you never told me not to do it." So, I feel like I'm in a version of "$20,000 Pyramid" where the answer is, "Crazy things that a seven-year-old boy might do," and I'm trying to think up all the possibilities. By the way, best ever "$20,000 Pyramid" scene was when Joey was on the show on "Friends":

So now my day goes like this, we're driving down the street and I have to say, "don't open the car doors while we're driving because you might fall out. Also, don't get out of your seat and put your hands over my eyes while I'm driving, because then I won't be able to see and we might have an accident. In addition, don't ever dive into a swimming pool that doesn't have any water in it because you'll get hurt and possibly break your neck. If you see a wasps nest, don't poke it with a stick. Don't try to jump off the roof and because you think you can make it to a limb in the Crepe Myrtle because you can't and you'll get hurt and possibly break your neck. Finally, please don't hitchhike to the airport and hijack a plane because you are a color-blind seven-year-old and you'll get hurt and possibly break your neck." "Possibly break your neck" is my "you'll shoot your eye out."  

Nutella

It's been a while since I blogged about my love of Nutella mostly because Mom's allergic and apparently just my mention of it in the blog upsets her. Good thing she doesn't go to Columbia Universtity where dining services is having major problems with Nutella theft from the dining halls. 

Nothing worse than a paranoid cat, except maybe
a paranoid lying cat.

Although Nutella thieves are costing the university about $5,000 per week in lost property, dining services insist that they will continue serving the hazelnut spread. However, they may have to cut back on some more expensive items, "like lobster tails." For real? They are serving lobster tails at Columbia dining halls? Can someone confirm this to be true, because when I was in college at Rutgers we had one seafood night a year at the dining halls. It was called, "King Neptune Night" and the line wrapped around the block because kids from New Jersey will wait for hours for frozen king crab legs and shrimp from Vietnam. We are not a proud bunch.

Also, I know I promised fewer cats than Pinterest, but the Nutella cat from above just made a friend:

Mathilda's Solo

No tattoo pictures this week, but I do have a video to make you stop thinking about what that raccoon is going to do to that kitten:

Isn't that awesome? It reminds me of my post about the old people playing games.

If you have another second, check out a late edition to my post about names. It's the last picture on the post. I just found it today and it was too bad to not include.

You all have a great weekend. Please think about me on Sunday morning while you are in bed or heading to church because I will be driving for two hours to freaking Warner-Robbins, Georgia at 9 am (the old 8 am) for the Girl to play soccer for an hour and then driving back. Did I mention that the Girl gets carsick? She does.