Funny Friday

There are some things that just make me do a quick rubbernecking move and say, "ex-squeeze me? A- baking powder?" (yes, I did just make a "Wayne's World" reference). This Funny Friday is devoted to those things that make you go, hmmmm (yes, I did just make a C+C Music Factory reference). Apparently it is sunny, cold, and 1992-ish in here today.

What does "squared-away" mean? Because...

This is opposite of what I think of as being squared-away

Sad face. Nick Nolte was apparently under the influence of GHB when he was arrested and that picture was taken. According to Wikipedia, Nolte said that he had, "been taking it for four or five years and I've never been raped." Another sad face.

Just so you won't have that image burned into your brain like that cat anus tattoo, I'll give you this:

Crazy fact: in 1972 Nick Nolte and Sigourney Weaver (yes, that's a blonde Sigourney Weaver sitting next to Nick on the driftwood) appeared in this advertisement for Clairol's "Summer Blonde" hair lightener. They look so happy and squared-away, don't they?

What the...

While Beyonce's representatives were busy turning unflattering pictures of Beyonce performing at the Super Bowl into antimatter, Mrs. Carter was busy buying some new sneakers (tennis shoes if you're southern, trainers to my two British readers). The shoes are a custom creation of PMK (that stands for Pimp My Kicks, just in case you were curious) and are made from anaconda, ostrich, stingray, crocodile, and calf hair.

"All the kids with the pumped up kicks"...oh, sorry I forgot that it's 1992
and that song is 20 years in the future.

My immediate thought was, "that's like ten different animals. PETA is going to be all over that shit," and they are. I love how immediately PETA jumps all over any news story involving a famous person wearing a bunch of dead animals. It's like, "And cue PETA!" Then PETA stamps its foot, waves a fist, and shouts,"We condemn you!" Which has the equivalent effect of when Michael Scott in "The Office" declared bankruptcy by walking around saying, "I declare bankruptcy!"

Since I know you are dying to know, Beyonce's shoes cost $5500, but to be fair you do get a pair of them for that price. PMK will trick out some shoes for mere mortals, too. Check out their website and perhaps you will conclude, as I did, that there are better ways to spend money. Like on one of these:

Isn't football season right around the corner? 

You Can't be Serious

Did you know that ants can count? Ants in the desert manage to find their way home, despite their trails being obliterated by the sand, so scientists hypothesized that they must count their steps to find their way home. The scientist proved that the ants count in the most obvious way you can imagine: they tied stilts made of pig hair on the ants' legs to increase their stride, and the ants overestimated the distance home. Anytime I complain about putting socks on the Baby or helping the Boy put on his baseball uniform belt (I could devote an entire post to the detestability of baseball belts) I just think about those scientists tying pig hair to ant legs and I realize how good I really have it. 

When you look for a Google image of ants on stilts,
this is what you get. 

That tidbit randomly came to me from Bedtime Math, which is a great math website for kids and kind of a big deal because Time Magazine says so. 

Huh?

I was working on something unrelated to the blog and trying to find bad engagement stories. You won't be surprised to learn that everyone wants to tell their awesome engagement stories, but there are precious few funny/bad engagement stories. They're all depressing and along the lines of, "My boyfriend said, 'so, aren't we supposed to get married, or something?' And I was all, 'guess so.' And then he was all, 'shit's getting real,' and the asshole left, which was fine because his mother was a crystal meth addict who slept all day and made us run her pawn shop." That's a story that went bad waaaay before the engagement. But there was this:

See here, what's not to love about this comment? I'm pretty sure there is a type of guy who would propose to any girl in a Star Wars t-shirt, and he would not be wrong to do so. And alerting her to the proximity of the airport is a winning argument. I don't care that it's 99% likely to be untrue, it is still my favorite bad proposal story.

Taboooooo!

I'm not sure what it says about me that I have two funny incest stories and believe me that neither are "Flowers in the Attic." First, when I was a senior in college I lived in a sorority house and our neighbor was the Beta Theta Pi fraternity house. A couple of my housemates were good friends with a Beta named Jesse. One afternoon, Jesse came by looking for someone to go to the Beta formal that night with one of his fraternity brothers. He was particularly looking for any of several of my housemates who were single and all shorter than average. Unfortunately for everyone, none of those girls were home, so with a sigh he asked me if I wanted to go the formal. Since I was a second semester senior with nothing planned and free alcohol was in the offering, I agreed. 

When my date showed up I was immediately struck by the fact that we looked like we were from two different species. I'm about 5'10" in heels and he about reached my chin and that's including his four inches of moussed up hair that may have been the direct ancestral hairstyle to the one that Pauly D. sported on "Jersey Shore." Just so you have a visual:  

Only my date's hair was bigger. His name was Joey and he was a wrestler and he was dateless because his girlfriend, who he referred to as, "that bitch, Anna Maria," had broken up with him the day before. I should say that while I was being very judgy, judgy of him, he was also clearly disappointed in me, so we did find common ground in our mutual distain for each other.

We boarded the bus that would take us to Pine Manor in Edison, which was the place my high school class rejected for the location of our senior prom: 

  

At the time, Pine Manor was an event location designed to be classy and upscale by someone who didn't really know what classy and upscale looked like. Perhaps it has changed in the last 20 years, but my guess is perhaps not.

As we rode on the bus, I learned that Joey was a freshman and that he had enrolled at Rutgers after leaving West Point after the plebe summer. I was actually impressed that he had gotten into West Point, which is no small feat, but I think the thing that surprised me the most about that was that his hair had grown back so quickly. The rest of our conversation went something like this:

Joey: The thing that sucks is that West Point was free and now I have to pay tuition.
Me: Yeah, I'm lucky because my parents both work at Rutgers so I get free tuition.
Joey: Man, how do I get the hook up on that deal?
Me: Ummm, what? You want my parents to adopt you?
Joey: Yeah. Oh, nah, 'cause then we'd be committing incense.
Me: Um, it's incest and trust me, we would not.

My second incest story is really the K's story. When he was about 14, the K's parents decided to have professional pictures taken of the K and his sister, who was 20. They met the photographer at a park and the photographer kept trying to get them to pose in these weird ways, like with my SIL sitting on the K's lap or the two of them swinging on a swing together. Finally, the K told the photographer, "look, this may be Mississippi, but we are not into that." I almost wish that they'd agreed to some of the pictures, so that we could submit them to this great time-suck: Siblings or Dating?

Just to give you a sample:

Dating

Siblings

I'm thinking about a couple right now who would be a great candidate for this website. Hint: it's not me and Joey from Beta.

That's all I've got for today, except for that if you haven't read this story on the subway baby from the New York Times, check it out because it's really cute.