Monday, April 22, 2013


So, I watched the first episode of a new television show last night. I wish I could say that I got Mad Men or The Walking Dead on Netflix, but instead I engaged in some entertainment-slumming with What Would Ryan Lochte Do? I'm pretty sure that the title is meant to be rhetorical (probably a word with which Mr. Lochte is not familiar), but just in case E! is looking for an answer, I think this list sums up what he would do in basically any situation:

1. Enthusiastically yell "Jeah!"
2. Demonstrate his ability to wink ambidextrously.
3. Hit on girls.
4. Get involved with a Ponzi scheme.
5. Get confused and eat an entire stick of butter.
6. Wonder why his fingers smell like oranges.
7. Try to eat fingers.
8. Be unable to locate Canada on a map.
9. Admire his sneaker collection.
10. Fall asleep on the bathroom floor.

Yup, I think that answers that question.

So, first thing let me say that Lochte is an amazing swimmer. I mean, really. He's won five Olympic gold metals, three silver, and three bronze. All I've ever won was the female age 21-29, 130-145 lbs. division of the Scales of Justice 5K in 1996. Jeah! I bet you that Lochte doesn't have a little trophy that tells everyone his weight in 1996. Of course, he was 12 in 1996, so there's that. He also looks massively better since he ditched that bizarre grill he wore during the Olympics:

I feel like the last thing I'd think of after winning a gold metal is,
"Gotta pop in my grill." Right?
He aslo seems harmless enough, unless you're an attractive single girl, in which case he'll take you to some sushi restaurant in Gainesville, Florida and then quickly decide that it won't work out. The sushi restaurant tactic was discussed for a very long time in the episode because Lochte goes to the same restaurant for every first date. His older sisters, who were actually more entertaining to watch than Ryan, pointed out that all the girls at the University of Florida were probably aware that the second page of the Ryan Lochte wooing gamebook is, "take girl to sushi restaurant." (The first page probably involves skinny dipping.) Lochte passionately argued with his sisters that, "all girls like sushi." His sisters looked disgusted/dubious and as it turned out that his date had never had sushi. Somehow, I feel that Lochte will be undeterred by evidence of his false premise or his sisters' advice and continue to take dates to the same sushi restaurant. I think he'll do this because his short term memory has been impaired by chorine. I think that if you looked in Ryan Lochte's brain, all you would see is a goldfish wearing designer sunglasses and swimming in circles.

As always on these E! reality shows, the formula seems to be to get someone marginally famous and attractive and then film them interacting with their far more entertaining and interesting relatives. On Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim might be the most famous sibling, but she is by far the most boring. She seems to have suffered from being the "pretty" sister and was not encouraged to develop an interesting personality. Khloe and Kourtney seem to actually engage in some higher-level thinking at times, and Scott Disick, Kourtney's baby-daddy is legitimately entertaining. See:

You can see why the most interesting man in the world says this:


I also caught about half of Married to Jonas before I told myself to step away from the television. Also, the show kind of depresses the shit out of me. I don't expect that any of you have seen it because I doubt the demographic of my readers includes a critical mass of Jo Bro fans, so I'll quickly summarize the premise. The oldest Jo Bro, Kevin married a hairdresser from New Jersey named Danielle and they're young and rich and lead fabulous lives and she has a cadre of cooky family members straight out of central casting. Dani's Italian, so cue the tough-guy dad, her easily-excitable mom, her smart-ass big sister, Dena, her Italian Stallion brother, Mikey, and her sweet, cute little sister, Katie. As with the Kardashians, Dani is the most reserved of all the siblings, which sadly makes her seem boring when she's probably just nice and normal.

Dani (center) and her sisters get dressed up in evening gowns while
helping littlest sister Katie (l) shop for prom dress.
Because it's wacky and every girl's dream to do this because Pretty Woman.

Sister Dena vying to be a blue collar Scott Disick
The reason the show depresses me is because I feel actually sorry for Dani Jonas, despite the fact that she is young and rich and married to the man of her dreams. She talks about her anxiety, insecurity, and feeling judged by the Jo Bro fans and, oh, everyone else. I can't imagine that this reality show helps alleviate any of that, despite how it might have been sold to her. Also, Kevin Jonas keeps pressuring her to have a baby because they're almost into their late 20s and if they don't have a baby now, they'll probably die of old age before they meet their great-great grandchildren, because, you know, actuarial tables and shit like that. Last season Kevin was harping on their family planning schedule and Dani was confiding in the viewers that she needed to go off her anxiety meds to have a baby and then he got a minister (because the Jo Bros are very religious when it suits) to come and talk to her about their plans. Yes, it was as unpleasant to watch as it is to describe.

Maybe the producers decided that season 1 was too dark because the first episode of season 2 was more lighthearted, Dani's parents are moving into Dani and Kevin's house for either two week or six months (she's not sure) while Kevin and Dani are thinking of ditching their suburban New Jersey manse for The Big Apple. The best part of Dani's family moving in was her father declaring that he needed a little refrigerator for his "lemon ice" and then reporting, in case anyone cared, that they now have "mango ice."

If that wasn't enough drama, we were also treated to watching Dani's poor brother follow in the illustrious footsteps of Rob Kardashian and get his eyebrows waxed on television. Fucking E! going to the waxing of the swarthy men well again. Poor Mikey was then subjected to a spray tan, during which he said he felt, "violated." Me too. You all know that I'm just jealous and biding my time until the Boy is old enough to get nice and hairy so the Baby and the Girl can wax him on national television. I think that may be the new American dream. Jeah!

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