Friday, April 19, 2013

SpongeBob Fans are Obsessed with Their Hair

This has been one of those weeks when you ponder the big questions: Why do bad things happen to good people? Is it all worth it? What the hell is the Air Curler? And why is the Air Curler being advertised during SpongeBob SquarePants? Do eight year olds really need a way to curl their hair without risking a curling iron burn? Since I am incompetent to answer philosophical questions (and Constitutional Law questions...but that's another story) I'm going to attempt to handle the "as seen on TV" product questions.

This is the Air Curler:

At first I thought it looked like something you might use in the kitchen, maybe to clarify butter or decant wine. Then I looked at a butter clarifying machine and it looks like a trivet and a decanter looks like a genie bottle. Then I thought, no, it looks like the inhaler they give to little kids that's in between a nebulizer and the adult inhaler. Like this:

Which would actually make sense to advertise during SpongeBob SquarePants since nearly 10% of kids today have asthma. And also this:

which simultaneously amuses and depresses me, if you know what I mean.

This is how you use the Air Curler:

You attach the inhaler-looking-thing to your hairdryer and the chamber acts like a centrifuge, spinning your hair into a curl-like state. Does it work? Well, the voters on TV Stuff Reviews, give a resounding "maybe." Of the whopping six voters, four liked it and two did not. Pros: Dries and curls your hair at one time with less heat than a curling iron. Cons: Only curls the bottom of your hair if you have very long hair, ruining your chance to look like Nellie Olsen:

Moment when Little House jumped the shark: Nellie became nice.
Aside: Does anyone remember when Nellie was pregnant and she and Percival were freaking out because he was Jewish and she was Christian and they didn't know what religion to raise their baby? They ended up deciding that if the baby was a girl, she would be Christian and if they had a son, he would be Jewish. Then, as luck would have it, she had boy-girl twins, Benny and Jenny, even though Doc Baker swore he only heard one heartbeat. So freaking convenient!! 

Another hair product advertised during SpongeBob is Hot Buns, because when I think about super sexy hair, my first thought is a bun. Also, learn from my mistake and if you want a picture of Hot Buns hair products, type that whole phrase into Google Images or you'll get lots of pictures of oiled up women in thongs, unless that's more your thing, in which case have at it. Ahem. So, here is a picture of the Hot Bun hair accessory:

The little neck pillow looking things are flexible and when they are unrolled straight they resemble a toilet paper tube. You simply roll your hair around the tube, bend the tube so the ends touch, and voila! Lest you think this is a one-trick pony, you can also sleep in the Hot Bun and when you take it out the next morning, your hair will be wavy and fabulous. I guess this feature puts it in competition with the Air Curler. I smell curl-off between the inventors. This kind:

In case you are attending a "Big in 2008" costume party and plan to dress as Sarah Palin, I'll let you know that the reviews for Hot Buns were less than enthusiastic. On Amazon, reviewers gave it 2.5 stars and that was factoring in one five-star review that read like padding Spam from someone affiliated with Hot Buns. ("Hot Buns is East and Quick to do. ... 5 STARS! You will LoVe IT TOO!") Thank you Christy who has only reviewed two Amazon products: Hot Buns light hair and Hot Buns dark hair. I feel certain that you are a real person. Reddit users aren't the only ones who can play amateur detective.

Once your hair is beautifully curled courtesy of either Air Curler or Hot Buns, you can complete your look with some Hot Huez temporary hair color. Because I guess SpongeBob fans wouldn't be content with just curly hair. Nope, not them. They need some spicy color, too. But only temporarily. On the weekends, maybe. SpongeBob fans like to be able to revert to their natural hair color on Monday when they return to their conservative office jobs or 2nd grade.

Those little colored discs contain pads coated with God-knows-what, something that colors your hair. You just place a lock of hair between the two sides and slide it down your hair. Buh-bye, boring brown, blonde, and black. Hello, hot huez. My immediate thought was that the color would come off all over your clothes, but I guess not because of all three products, this one got the best reviews. So, if you're into temporary hair color, I guess this is a good product. The Baby saw the commercial for Hot Huez and was in love. She is my most flamboyant child; loves her some anklets, tattoos, and sparkles. The Girl told me that when the Baby grows up, she'd probably be in the running for the World Record for the most body modifications. You know, tats and piercings don't worry me too much, it's just some of the other stuff that I don't get, i.e.:

I'm sorry if it makes me old and stodgy, but I prefer my horns on toads and in the brass section of the orchestra, not so much on people. It also makes me laugh to think of the pearl-clutching Mom did when I got one of my ears double-pierced. If I'd come home looking like the picture above, she would have lost.her.mind.

Here's my concern: We have no less than eight varieties of Pillow Pet in our vast menagerie of stuffed friends primarily because the children saw television advertisements. What if they start begging me for all of these hair-related products. Worse, what if they start combining their love of the Pillow Pets franchise with their newly-discovered interest in hair tools. Guys, we could end up here:

or here:

It's a whole new spin on pony tails.

Have a great weekend! Stay safe.

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