Friday, April 26, 2013

Law and Order

Some of the craziest stories this week had to do with the law and illegal activity. Totally my area of expertise being that I used to be a lawyer and still remember 7-8% of what I learned in law school. The rest has been replaced by an encyclopedic knowledge of the Kardashians. 

"This is my jail."

First up is this Washington Post article about 13 female prison guards at a Maryland prison indicted for aiding prisoners in the drug-trafficking and money-laundering enterprises the prisoners were running from prison. The women smuggled contraband into the prison and were rewarded with sexy-time with the gang kingpin, Tavon White who fathered five children with four different guards. Two of the guards even got White's name visibly tattooed on their bodies. White also gave two of the women access to a couple of Mercedes, while a third guard was given an Acura to drive. Sucks to be that last baby-mama who apparently got no car or at least one less note-worthy than an Acura.

In case you were wondering, here's Romeo:

Yeah, me either.
For some reason I picture this story becoming a musical set to the music of Beyonce. Can't you just see the female guards wearing uniforms and doing the "Single Ladies" dance? There'd be a duet of "Crazy in Love" between Tavon and the Alpha Baby-Mama. I'd be shocked if Jay-Z hasn't thought of this already and commissioned a script. If not, call me, Jay.
Got 2 grams for $40
In other illegal activity news, Nathan Fielder asked his Twitter followers to text their parents alluding to a drug sale ("Got 2 grams for $40") and then quickly text back that they'd made a mistake. The screen shots of parents freaking out are priceless. Here are some of my favorites:

This is funny to me now, but wait until my kids pull this kind of thing with me. Which, since they are my children, I have no doubt they will. 

Good, Better, Best

I found these funny police stories on Pinterest and they are now pinned on my board "I found this funny":

You have to love it when the police have a sense of humor, especially about their police balls.

PC Peach

English police officers don't have to worry as much about being shot, which gives them time to do silly things like write up witness statements for their police dogs. Prosecutors insisted that one "Police Commissioner Peach" who assisted in an arrest provide a witness statement to aid in prosecution. PC Peach's handler obliged and created this gem:

Look, if you insist on getting a witness report from a dog, you kind of deserve to receive something like this.

Tiger Surprises Woman in the Bathroom

When I saw the headline above on People Magazine online, I immediately thought, "Oh no, Tiger Woods has sunk to a new low and is exposing himself to strangers in the bathroom. Poor Lindsey Vonn is going to attack him with a ski pole." Fortunately or unfortunately, this is not the scenario that gave rise to the headline. An actual tiger escaped from a Shriner's circus in Kansas and wandered into the women's bathroom. Handlers blocked off one entrance, but a woman entered the bathroom from the other entrance and came face to face with the tiger. The woman retreated from the bathroom unharmed and the tiger was captured. People Magazine decided this tiger article belonged in its "Pets" section because apparently readers consist of Mike Tyson in The Hangover and Siegfried and Roy.  

Twenty Minutes, Guaranteed

A Papa John's delivery man was carjacked in southwest Atlanta, and left on the curb holding his insulated container of pizzas. Instead of immediately calling the police, the guy completed his pizza delivery on foot and then summoned the police. After filing the incident report, the delivery guy asked the police to drop him off at a MARTA station instead of at work because he didn't want to tell his boss what happened for fear that he would get fired. Someone needs to give this guy a raise, healthcare insurance, or at least some free pizzas. 

Mustaches and Crime

Finally, enjoy this chart relating mustaches and crime:

Have a great weekend!


  1. What is it with Oregon? This is wht comes from having swiped the name of its biggest city from Maine's biggest city. I have once again been told by Hertz that my rental car will be waiting for me in Oregon just around the time my plane will be landing in Maine. Solution: the Oregon city should add -ia to its name and credit Fred Armisen.

  2. Well, I had the nerve to run out of gas on the side of a TN highway in Wilson County with my dog in the car. I was wearing a tank top cuz it was hot & some ripped jeans. Sheriff's 10 - 10 (all male) surrounded my car along with an ambulance. I was given a ticket for littering then pulled out of my car barefoot & handcuffed thrown in the back of a sherriff's SUV. I had no criminal record, had never in my life been arrested ever. I'm early 30s. I didn't know I was getting arrested no one read me my rights. I'm white- not that it matters.

    They took my dog, towed my car, took me to jail- for littering. Locked me in a feces covered cell #9. 5 corrections officer's threatened to rape me. Then one told me the officers cut my dogs head off. I burst into tears terrified. They left me half naked in the cell in just panties & a tank top after taking my jeans.

    It got much worse. Now, I live in Nashville and I've never had anything but, good experiences with our police officers here. Well, until recently.

    It escalated so much they took me to the ER first barefoot. I had bruises all over me my feet were cut open. It got weirder at the ER. They asked me if I was on my period examed my lady zone told me they had just what I needed to stop my period. Had me shackled to the bed while invading my Private House which was none of their Damn business. Then I landed in a mental hospital so they could cover up what they had done. You see they apparently have a sex trafficking operation out of that county I stumbled across. They were unaware of who they had actually targeted.

    Needless to say I'm nursing some PTSD from that while experience I have a mugshot now and a record. I'm now scared of the police.

    So, with counties so dependent on private prison income and getting paid for each inmate these stories are becoming increasingly more common, sadly. I spent 9 days in the hospital I don't have a mental illness. Yet, in order to discredit someone they use the commitment method too. Which the state also receives funds for. I had to beg to go back to back to jail in order to get out of the hospital. When I returned to jail a supervisor vowed to help me and get me out asap. He asked for a number he could call so someone could pick me up I gave him my life partners #. He calls him and tells him these exact words:
    "If you don't come get her she will end up a prostitute in the projects."-

    I'm an insurance agent. Not, a sex worker. And yes, I'm sure the NSA has that conversation on file. My Aunt worked at the Pentagon for decades our government is just sneaky. Anyway- They slapped me with resisting arrest charge too.

    In the end I had to go to court was put on 1yr probation because the arresting officer requested that I wasn't charged with anything. But, they still put it on my record. Despite never having a criminal record. So, good times. They get away with their crimes I get a horrible mugshot and PTSD.

    Not to mention being held down by force in the hospital as I was shot full of drugs against my will. So, now I have a mental illness label by the state. All because I ran out of gas for the first time ever in my life in the wrong stretch of highway in a county from hell. What did I litter? An Apple core and I was staging a picture scene while I was waiting for a friend to bring me some gas. That simple ride that day cost me a lot of money & misery.

    Moral of the story for Godsakes make sure you have AAA roadside assistance! Especially, if you are a semi attractive female.