Thursday, April 11, 2013

Once in a Lifetime Offer! Act Now!

Free to a good home, one case of viral pneumonia. "But why?" you may ask, "Why would you want to part with such a well-known and impressive malady?" I'll tell you, in the last month we've had one case of strep and two cases of stomach flu, and I feel like we've been overly blessed in the childhood illness department. I'm just trying to share the wealth and to give you the chance to experience the joy that only a sick child can provide. Just think about all the fun you would be missing if you pass on this amazing opportunity: A hacking cough that frays your nerves, setting your alarm for 2:30 am to administer another dose of Motrin, and listening to hours on end of Bubble Guppies (they are mermaids of both sexes who have an airport for some fucking reason). Have you even tried to give cherry flavored Children's Tylenol to a kid with a raging fever who hates cherry flavoring? You will never forgive yourself if you passed up such a priceless moment.

If you act now,  I will throw in 27 vials of Albuterol at no extra charge. That's right. You will get a case of viral pneumonia and Albuterol all for free! As a bonus, I will throw in this certified, pre-owned nebulizer and chicken-dinosaur mask.

Don't tell me that your little one wouldn't look adorable wearing a chicken-dinosaur mask that forces vaporized drugs into his lungs. What child doesn't look adorable with this on his face:

Ugga-Mugga little chicken-asaurus. 
Once your child inhales those meds, not only will he be breathing clearly, but he will have more energy than if he drank a six-pack of Red Bull and did a couple lines of cocaine. It's that good. One second your kid will be like this:

and the next minute she'll be like this:

and like this:

and you'll be gently reminding her that she has pneumonia and the doctor told her to rest for fuck's sake. And she'll be explaining to you that she feels great, great, great with her wild pinwheel eyes darting, and speaking at a speed rivaled only by the guy who reads the legal disclaimers at the end of radio commercials.

DO NOT MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY! Albuterol has this effect on all God's creatures. Here is Hello Kitty getting a breathing treatment:

 and here's Hello Kitty/Hell Kitty after only one breathing treatment:

and here she is after three:

Act now, and I will throw in that Hello Kitty doll which was originally purchased to keep someone from screaming at Costco. Bribery? Yes. Bad parenting? Probably. Worth every penny at the time? You betcha.

All of this for FREE! Act now! This offer for a one-of-a-kind case of viral pneumonia AND the Albuterol AND the Nebulizer AND the Hello Kitty doll will not last long.


  1. OH MY! I would feel so lucky to be able to take your generous offer of the viral pneumonia AND the nebulizer, but I think we have reached our recommended allowance. As an expert in the world of steroid induced pediatric schizophrenia, if you throw a little Benadryl in the mix (for medicinal purposes only- of course), it tends to take the steroid edge off... Tylenol with Codeine is even more effective, but you have to get past the ridiculous notion that you are selfishly drugging you child. If it helps you feel better, it is a great cough suppressant. That's what I tell myself around the 5th day of William's Epi-Neb treatments... when he sprouts a second head and we finish the 100th episode of Sponge Bob in the 24/7 marathon! By the way- you had me in stitches!

  2. You have had more than your fill! I'm glad you could appreciate the humor. I know that our run of illnesses is nothing compared with what others (you included) have to deal with. It would be nice, though, to be able to just take all the illnesses and other accompanying junk and put it out on the curb in one of our pricey Decatur garbage bags for the Sanitation Department to pick up!

  3. I love it! You always make me laugh- we laugh or we cry, right!

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