Have you all seen this letter in which a very angry member of Delta Gamma sorority at the University of Maryland browbeats her sisters for their behavior during Greek Week, and specifically for being "fucking awkward" and "so fucking boring" in their interactions with guys in Sigma Nu fraternity? If reading isn't your thing, check out a dramatic reading of said letter by Michael Shannon on Funny or Die. Be warned that if profanity (and lots of it) offends you in any way, you should avoid reading the letter, watching the dramatic reading, and probably reading the rest of this post. If you're ready, tie yourself to whatever chair you're sitting on because this blog post is going to be a rough fucking ride.
It turns out that this isn't the first time that Becca (Gawker changed her name to Julia to protect her identity, but then Funny or Die outed her) wrote a poison pen letter to a group of girls. No, you see, years ago Becca was in the Girl Scouts...
For those of you who thought you were joining Troop 415 to learn how to build a fucking fire using a tampon and a magnifying glass, I've got a major fucking newsflash for you. Troop 415 has always led the whole fucking city in cookie sales and right now we are dead fucking last. Those fucking bitches from Troop 210 are ahead of us and all of the fucking 210 are celiacs and diabetics. WHAT THE FUCK??? Are you fucking kidding me?? You know what fucking thing diabetics and celiacs can't eat?? FUCKING COOKIES YOU DICK HEADS!!! DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: The fucking 133 are ahead of us and they are fucking Daisies. We are losing to fucking Daisy Scouts who were shitting in their pants and sucking on their mothers' tits less than three years ago. FUCKING DAISY SCOUTS!
Are you stupid or just lazy? Seriously. I want you to write me back and TELL me which it is because if you're stupid, you might stand a chance if you listen to me. If you're lazy, well, then punch yourself in the fucking face and just get the fuck out because we don't need your lazy ass in Troop 415. Seriously, give me your fucking sash and all your fucking badges because I would rather have 10 girls who can sell cookies than 20 girls who are lame as shit.
Some of you tried selling to Boy Scout Troop 112 and were so fucking weird that they didn't buy anything. This is so fucking embarrassing. I personally am so fucking tired of getting text after text about your fucking awkward sales techniques. I've gotten texts that people talked about nutritional information. Fucking. Nutritional. Information. How would you feel if a Boy Scout told you the fucking sodium content in their fucking popcorn? YOU WOULD HATE IT. NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW THAT FUCKING STUFF. After you threw up in your mouth, you would tell them to get the fuck out and dick kick them out of your fucking entrance hall.
"But Becca," you say in your whiny little bitch voice, "I sold five boxes of Trefoils to my grandmother. Doesn't that count for something?" NO, YOU LITTLE MOUTH-BREATHING JAIL BAITERS, IT DOES NOT. BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP WITH THE RELATIVES, TOO. I have gotten texts and emails from grandmothers of girls in Troop 415 that not only are you being WEIRD about selling cookies to your closest fucking relatives, but that one of you mentioned that you can buy Girl Scout Cookies at the fucking hardware store. THE. FUCKING. HARDWARE. STORE. Are you fucking STUPID? I don't give a shit about fucking cooperation and fucking community. YOU SELL FOR OUR TROOP NOT FUCKING HOME DEPOT. Are you wearing a fucking orange apron? NO. You're wearing a fucking Girl Scout uniform so you sell for the fucking GIRL SCOUTS. IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING HARD. I will fucking assault the next person I hear even mention the words "hardware store." I don't give a fuck if you need to buy a fucking cord of lumber, I will shove a 2x4 right down your fucking throat.
"Oh, Becca. Stop being mean, selling cookies is so hard." Bullshit. They're fucking cookies. The U.S. of A. is the fucking fat capital of the fucking world and you can't sell a few boxes of fucking cookies? This should be like selling lemonade in the fucking desert. The cookies are like crack. People fucking riot to get a box of Tagalongs. Get your lazy ass to a Weight Watchers meeting with a case of Thin Mints and they'll be gone in a fucking second. "Oh, but Becca, those people are trying to lose weight and cookies are fattening." FUCK YOU. Tell them that they're a diet cookie. It says "thin" right on the fucking package. WHAT THE FUCK?? You're a fucking kid, not a dietician.
"Oh, Becca, I'm crying now. Your email has made me so sad." Well good. Seriously, if you have a rare disease that prevents you from selling cookies like a normal fucking Girl Scout, stay the fuck away from our troop meeting on Sunday. If you are a weird little ass wipe who stands at the front door mumbling your sales pitch and is incapable of selling delicious fucking COOKIES then you are never going to amount to a pile of shit. If you are one of the girls who told me, "Boo-hoo, I'm too shy to sell cookies," then I pity you because I don't know how you've made it to fourth grade, and you might as well just quit Scouts all together. Seriously, if you show up to the meeting on Sunday and you haven't filled up at least one order sheet, I will tell you to go fuck yourself with a chainsaw because you suck. Try me.
For those of you who are offended by this email, I would apologize, but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself. No, go sell some cookies THEN fuck yourself.